FIRST CALL

A lot’s been happening as I’m getting ready for the new season. Last week, you know, you guys, I finally picked a name for the team. Thanks to Chuck Norris, ehh, the name is Norris’ Nightmares. We’re going to be a “kick-ass team” playing as dirty as we gotta to beat our opponents. I’m guessing from past experience that we’ll be on the verge of getting kicked out of the league after game one. Yeah, we’ll be on secret - double, double secret probation. Been there, done that.

But, I guess that we’ll just have to hang out and wait and see.

Oh, yeah - I almost forgot - we will be quite skilled too. No hacks on Norris’ Nightmares, ehh. Goalies are stoners, forwards are danglers and defense are fearsome with killer slapshots. Everybody’s gotta be a grinder. No candy-asses allowed; just skilled shit-kickers with attitude.

So a couple weeks back I put the word out that I was going to have tryouts for a new team and last week I updated the info by letting folks know that the team’s name was Norris’ Nightmares and that the first tryout was going to be at 10:00 pm Tuesday night.

Now that was last Tuesday night and I had rented the rink for a couple of hours. They were kicking a public session off at 9:45 and cutting new ice for us. We could stay on right until midnight cuz some church youth group was coming on for broomball after us and they wanted the ice fairly roughed up. Noggin heads those broomballers!

I got-a-hold of my brothers, Jingles and Bronzy, to come out to help me run the show. Told em I’d buy the brews afterwards but I needed to have someone helping out while I took notes and shit. I picked them up a couple of whistles and we got together in one of the dressing rooms around nine to go over the game plan.

I didn’t know what to expect. The flyer’s I posted said $15 a pop for “A” level competitive tryouts, with goalies for free. I don’t have a sponsor yet so the cost is fairly steep on the front end. I figured that I’d probably have to cover for at least an hour of the ice time myself until the word spread about what I was putting together.

All I can figure is that my reputation musta proceeded me in this endeavor as we had thirty-nine skaters and six goalies show up our first night. I had thrown together a quick little one page questionnaire that everybody had to fill out with name, phone number, email address, experience, preferred playing position , etc. You know the shit. And most importantly what they were going to wear on the ice so that we could identify them for my notes.

I’m telling ya it was a good turnout. Jingles and Bronzy were even impressed with the quantity of good players that showed up. Of course there were a couple of real beginners that didn’t belong there and so I talked to them and gave them a refund as I excused them.

All of the others went through the drills and at the end I asked them all to come back next week for a continuation of the evaluation. This was just the first call and they could invite others if they wanted. I wouldn’t start winnowing the group for couple or three weeks yet.

I’m tellin ya I was absolutely in heaven with this turnout. It was good, I was walking with wood when we headed up to the bar later.

As usual though we had the typical horse shit stuff happen. Guys forgot some of their gear and others were pretty nervous.

Two guys stepped on the ice with those damn fabric soakers on their skate blades. I think it was Chase and that hotshot friend of Matt’s. Both of them lit right on their asses. Looked just like I figure those broomballers were going to look like later on. Matt had stood out in the locker room as he sat there laced up finishing off a package of Cheez-Its like he hadn’t eaten in a week or something so I remembered him quite well.

We had one goalie show up almost an hour into the skate. He was in full gear, like the way we showed up when we were kids when our folks would drop us off. At first I wasn’t going to let him on the ice, but a couple a guys, including Shawn, vouched for him so I let him skate. He smelled a bit like beer and smoke but played snappy. During a break from his time in the net I chatted with him a bit to find out what was up and he told me that he lived close by and often dresses at home and walks over to the rink. Tonight he passed by a house where a party was going on and a couple a dudes out in the front yard started laughing at him and said that he had to come on in for a brew and meet the local gang hanging there. Not able to pass up a free beer he jumped in. Said he’d probably head back after the skate cuz a couple of cute sisters seemed kinda interested in him.

I guess I’d probably had done the same - can’t pass up a good thing.

Shapiro had a picture of his great dane glued to the back of his helmet (a real ugly bitch) and forgot one of his gloves. Bronzy had an extra pair in his bag so Shaprio was good to go but not until he totally freaked figuring he wasn’t going to get to show his stuff.

The worst of all - I mean we just about had to air the place out - was Cam. I don’t know what the fuck he’d eaten earlier but it pretty much reeked. I know about getting nervous before going on the ice but this was extreme. Cammy is skating in for a one timer drill when he winds up and nails a dinger but unloads his shorts at the same time. Embarrassed as all get-out he did the fastest gear change and shower on record. I’m not real sure where he disposed of his soiled shorts but it was relief when we couldn’t smell that ass-wipe anymore.

This week was good and I figure next week will be even better.

Norris’ Nightmares are moving forward. We be walking with wood, guys!

I’ll fill ya in on what happens next week. So come back again for some more good reads.

Skate hard!

Jasper Wheats