GRETZ AND THE MAGIC SKATES

We all know that Wayne Gretzky has for many years now been recognized as the greatest hockey player ever. The man walks with wood from the days of his youth. What hockey record didn’t he set in the annuls of the NHL, ehh?

Now me, you guys know, am just a humble little lop-sided skater on the short side a being over the hill. Yeah, but I’m still walking with wood too and maybe that’s only cuz I invented the phrase. WTF? Well if I didn’t invent it then I was the first to use it so completely public like I do in this here blog.

The rest a ya can blow smoke out your ass if ya don’t agree with me.

Ok - the stage is set. Now here’s this week’s story.

I’ve been following the development and release of a new skate product called the Therma Blade. Its been in development over the last five years and could end up being an innovation to our game of hockey. In a nutshell the Therma Blade is a heated hockey blade system. The warm blade assists in melting the ice under it - turning it to water which in reality is the basis for a skate blade’s ability to glide smoothly. That is a “known fact” - plain and simple, ehh.

You guys knew that, right?

Ok, so maybe ya didn’t. Ya don’t know nuclear science either do ya? Me neither.

Shit, who cares? I sure don’t give a rat’s ass whether ya know science or not. You guys know some shit about hockey though and that’s all that matters. Ehh?

Around about the middle of this month the Therma Blade is going to be released and available at your better skate shops. It’s been tested by several hundred skaters including Gretzky. The developer of the new blade had him try a pair around the time of the 2004 All Star Game in Minnesota and afterwards he said that he would endorse them. Haven’t see him in any ads yet but my global reach in the fantasy world of advertising is kinda limited from my cabin here in the back woods.

Well this damn product has got me a little pumped up and I’m working on deal where Therma Blade ends up being a partial sponsor of my team: Norris’ Nightmares. Trying to get them to spring for blades for all my guys and gals on the team. They’d get advertising on our jerseys and in all of our game programs. We’re close in the negotiations, but aren’t there yet. I think it will be a great deal for both parties.

I’m working on some other sponsorships too. Takes a lot of my evening time after work - or as you might say “my regular job.” I get settled into my recliner after dinner with computer on lap, composing letters of interest to possible sponsors, while the honey watches TV in the background. Bless her heart for allowing me to pursue the excellence of hockey. She’s my girl, ehh!

One night last week I fell asleep in the old recliner doing these chores and woke up with the laptop blank on my lap and the TV still on with the honey out like a light on the couch. Dark as midnight outside and dim inside being lit only by the TV.

Ya know how that is when this sorta disruption occurs to your sleep cycle. You’re all confused and disoriented - me too. If it wasn’t for the TV, I wouldn’t have been able to get back on track right away like I did. I checked my watch and it was about 2:30. Shit, I thought, I gotta get up at five so I gotta get back to sleep. I’ll just leave the honey where she’s at. I look around to find the clicker to turn the TV off when one of those late night commercial announcer says “And you get these Magic Skates, the pair - left and right skate - with heel switch and pocket remote for only $50,000, batteries not included. Call now and we’ll throw in a personally autographed picture of Gretz.”

Not sure what I was hearing, I turned back to the TV and watched the remainder of the commercial. It turns out that the Magic Skates were really a bargain at the price stated. What these little gems do, is take your skill set and beliefs in them back to a previous time. Gretz is their spokesman as he had used them secretly during his NHL career. The ad showed a picture of Gretz as a nine year old, the season that he got 23 goals, or something like that, in one game. He used the Magic Skates regularly to take him back to that freak game. Applying the magic of the skates he turned into the super star that we are still in awe of today.

They explained that during his day as a player the Magic Skates were still in development which is why he wore them secretly. The batteries were one of two things that they’ve now perfected. Gretz’s version didn’t always hold a charge otherwise he would have scored thousands of more goals then he did. They’re not included in the base package but sold separately with a charger. This battery kit you can get for another $15,000 and worth every penny.

Now I’m thinking that I don’t understand the science of these dang skates but I sure like what they can do. But crap that’s a lot a money, ehh? Kinda like a specialized time machine that enhances your psych and confidence to overcome any defects in your hockey skill set. Maybe they’re worth it?

The second feature that they had improved was the power switch. They said that in Gretz’s day they only had a hard wired switch. Gretz kept his up in the top of his breezers.

Oh yeah - you guys are thinking now “Right, all this in one commercial?” This is one of those five minute infomercials. So shut those thoughts up, ehh.

Alright back to it.

So Gretz has this switch up near his hip. He keeps his jersey tucked in right there by it so he can easily reach in and turn the Magic Skates on. Kinda worked back then, kinda didn’t. Gretz sometimes couldn’t get his gloved hand to turn it on.

So now they’ve got a remote that can do it. Usually then, they say, it is controlled by the player’s coaching staff. The remote overrides the base switching system which is located in the heels of the skates. You activate the switch here by clicking your heels together. Kinda like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, ehh? This ain’t Kansas Toto.

Wondering, could these pups really take the abuse of a rough and tough hockey game? Or are a bunch of marketing shysters just trying to rip off the most honorable of athletes - hockey players?

Sheesh, I’d like to get a pair to try out. But I’m thinking when you get right down to it I never really had an outstandingly terrific game. I can remember one game where I scored two goals and can vaguely remember some where my defensive skills were pretty damn good. But just too much of a blur ya know, too many after game brewskies to be able to pick the right time of my hockey life to apply to the Magic Skate system.

I don’t know how they work.

Guess I won’t ever know - the dang alarm went off and it was 5:00 AM again. Gotta get ready for work now but that was one hell of a strange dream. Ehh?

Jasper here. Skate hard you guys!