NAMING THE TEAM

Yup! Season’s getting ready to start and everybody better be in shape. Ehh? You guys ready for this shit?

Some a ya took the summer off but I know that the rest a ya played right on through. That’s good cuz you’re going to be ready when its time to make the cut.

I’m pulling together a team this year and I spent a bit a time naming it. The Outlaws are still kicking some shit elsewhere and I didn’t wanna infringe on their nasty reputation so I had to come up with something new, you know. My first thought was that the name had to be “Jasper’s somebodies”. Right?

So I went through my trusty old (yeah its probably thirty years old) dictionary looking for some good names that would start with the letter “J”. Take a look at the list below, plus my side comments, and let me know what ya think, ehh.

Jasper’s Jackals - not bad
Jasper’s Jackasses - Lady’s Home Journal probably wouldn’t approve
Jasper’s Jackhammers - that’s got some meat to it, ehh?
Jasper’s Jackpot - sounds like a Vegas Tournament team
Jasper’s Jailbirds - probably a little too accurate
Jasper’s Jailers - nah, that’s the refs job
Jasper’s Jalopies - based on the average age and current physical condition of my old Outlaws that’s probably what they should change their name to
Jasper’s Jams - sounds a little too much like roller derby
Jasper’s Jangles - do the dangle and hear our jangle
Jasper’s Javelins - spearheaded attacks from the neutral zone, ehh?
Jasper’s Jaywalkers - we never cross the blue line legally
Jasper’s Jazz - nah, too basketballish
Jasper’s Jellyfish - sure if we played near the Nova Scotia coast
Jasper’s Jerks - I’d have to see if Steve Martin would sponsor us
Jasper’s Jets - Bobby Hull probably already owns that name
Jasper’s Jewels - we’d wear some fuckin necklaces when we played - right …
Jasper’s Jinx’s - sure for shit - for the other team
Jasper’s Jitterbugs - drop the gloves fucka - we gonna dance!
Jasper’s Jockeys - nope, makes me think of that Frank Zappa song where the little statue dudes are getting knocked over on rich folks’ lawns
Jasper’s Johnnies - ya gotta think about all the different meanings this name carries
Jasper’s Journeymen - I kinda like that
Jasper’s Joyriders - we’re definitely in for a reckless good time
Jasper’s Judges - too dorky
Jasper’s Jugglers - we spin, we dance, we do it all
Jasper’s Juicers - that’s got some oomph to it, ehh?
Jasper’s Jumbos - nah - Jumbos like Dumbos we ain’t no elephants
Jasper’s Jumpers - jump your bones in the corner shit head
Jasper’s Juniors - just a little too limited
Jasper’s Junkies - uh huh - we’re in the shit
Jasper’s Junkyard Dogs - I like that - has some appeal
Jasper’s Jury - we decide the outcome of the game - yup - we control the horizontal - we control the vertical - take me back to the Twilight Zone
Jasper’s Jutemen - tough and fibrous - are we all
Jasper’s Juvies - again just a bit limited

Ok - ya read those through. Right? Did ya read them a second or third time? I’m telling you guys, I read through that list so many times trying to make a stinkin decision. I couldn’t pick the right one. None of them seemed to be the perfect fit to convey the aura and attitude of the team that I was going to run.

So I slept on it for a couple a days and still nothing.

Along the way though I had some inspiration. And inspiration comes from the strangest places.

Ehh?

Here’s how it came to me:

I took the honey to the state fair this past week. She wanted to see all the display stuff and awards handed out for student artwork, etc. I wanted to see the rodeo, demolition derby, some of the livestock (avoid the poultry - ain’t nothin worse then the smell a chicken shit ya know) and behind my sunglasses - eye all the other cutie-pies on display (shit she knows I do this …). Seems as though neither of us are into the rides and carny crap anymore.

So we’re wandering about going from one expedition hall to another and I’m gathering up brochures on the tourist and sightseeing activities available in the various counties of the state as we stop at the county booths. I like to take drives, ya know and see the sights, so these brochures give me some ideas for future day trips. I also stopped at the booths of an outdoor publication and a used car weekly rag where at each I snagged free sample magazines to look through while later back at the cabin.

On the way home we stop at one of our favorite spots for a late lunch/early dinner with some great amber brews. She sacks out when we get home and I look through the car ad magazine while catching a flick on the cable. So, like within about five minutes time two things of a curious nature happen. Some real co-inky-dinky! And you guys know how I am about that shit, ehh ! ? ! ?

First while looking at the car ads I come across this old Ford Anglia for sale where the ad states that the car was once owned by Chuck Norris. Then during a commercial on TV they announce that Chuck Norris never sleeps. (Hmmm - I wonder why?)

Eureka !!!!

The team’s gotta be named after Chuck Norris. I gotta tell ya this is just so damned inspirational I just about shit my pants thinkin of the potential for this team’s name. The man does it all without nary a blemish! He’s been walkin with wood since I don’t know when!

I bounced a few additive terms around to go with both “Chuck” and “Norris” and finally decided to toss out anything using “Chuck” cuz I figured that our opponents would regularly substitute it with “fuck” or would just shortcut the name by calling us the “Chuck Fucks” which I didn’t want. It’s got some pazazz when ya think about it but ya know most leagues won’t let you use some of the common vulgar terms in your team name. And I tried some things like the Norris Numbskulls, the Norris Nomads, Norris’ Nightwalkers and the Norris Nighthawks - but no-go. I still wanted to stick to the duplication of first letters so I continued to cogitate on this team’s handle.

I was really leaning towards “Nightwalkers” cuz it associates with the term “thieves” like the Outlaws and has some correlation to my walking with wood theme but unfortunately it’s first synonym is hooker/prostitute and we’d rather be pimps then whores. Ehh?

It finally came to me. I’d name the team: Norris’ Nightmares.

How’s that work, ehh?

Look it up dudes and dudettes.

My dictionary says “A dream full of great fear or terror. Any terrifying thought or experience.”

If Chuck Norris ever has a nightmare then it has to be a doozie. (Of course he never sleeps though - and now you know why.) And that’s what I want this team to represent. I want every team and every opposing player to be scared shitless when they know that they’ll be going up against us! They’ll have so much pain and agony from playing us. And we’ll run up that scoreboard every game like the Texas Rangers did last week in baseball.

It works for me. Does it work for you? Let me know. (As if your opinion means a rats ass to me and what I name my team - you can name your team whatever the fuck you want. Right?)

Ok. There’s more to come but that’ll be next week.

Skate hard!

See ya next time when we meet along the boards.

Jasper Wheats