JUST A LITTLE BIT OF PICK-UP

Oh, my gosh! I’m in puck heaven this morning!

For those of you that might be reading this at a later date let me fill you in from my antiquated time machine. Jasper Wheats here, lopsided little puckster from the backwoods of some place in the great white north, and its January 1st of the year 2008.

Happy New Year!

NBC and the NHL have just made my day. They pulled it off and my complements to the great folks of Buffalo, NY. A televised game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Buffalo Sabres at Ralph Wilson Stadium. An outdoor game being played inside a football arena in front of over 73,000 live fans.

By jiminy, this is just great, ehh. I haven’t been this amped up as a spectator of ice hockey since I watched my LA Kings play the Habs back in the Stanley Cup Finals in the early ‘90’s.

What a pleasure this is. I’m definitely walking with wood today!

The morning begins with a viewing of the Rose Parade on the tube. Here it is about five degrees heading for about fifteen below outside my cabin and the honey and I are watching these marching bands, floats, cowboys and even Indians parade down some street in Southern California where its going to be in the low seventies today. Them folks are spoiled, ehh. So, much to my surprise as the Anaheim float goes by I see the Stanley Cup curtsey of the Ducks. Cool! Seems as though they got special permission to display it without it being stuffed with flowers. Yup, that would-a been a mistake. Ain’t nothin supposed to be in that cup ‘cept beer or champagne. Right?

The Rose Parade broadcast ends and I change over to NBC for the “Winter Classic”. It’s snowing pretty good. The program shows a scene of a youngster doing a little puck-handling and shooting on a frozen pond. You know how I love pond hockey, ehh? I get a lump in my throat from this shit. It’s the best. Mike Milbury gives a bit of nostalgia about the roots of hockey for these guys - skating on ponds and in backyards when they were all just kids starting out in this - the best sport in the world.

Uhhh, I’m just getting too emotional over this. I call Jingles to see if he’s got the game on. He thought it was later this afternoon. Then I call Bronzy. Yup he’s TiVo’ing it for later review. Last I call Pops. He didn’t know about it. I can tell by the sound of his voice that he’s getting pretty damn emotional too as he gets his TV revved up.

Within a minute of the start of the game, with snow coming down hard, the Penguins get the first goal. Crosby pulls something unbelievable crossing the blue line. After that it is just great hit after great hit. Sure the snow causes some problems, They’ve got to run the Zams mid-period, shit we would have got the shovels out, ehh. Expected - no complaints here. I just hope that NBC doesn’t shorten the coverage because of the extra time needed.

The second period gets under way with it now sleeting. This is bringing back so many memories.

I head down to the pond or up to the high school on Saturday mornings. Maybe pack a thermos of something warm. Not so much to drink but to pour into a cup to warm up my hands later. Eventually enough of us show up and a couple of the guys chose up sides. Just a little bit of pick-up. That’s the best hockey in the world.

Maybe that’s what the NHL should do for the All Star game once in a while. I think it would be great if they had an outdoor All Star game like this today where seventy to ninety thousand fans showed up. Sure we still vote for the All Stars but when the guys get out on the ice for warm ups a couple of designated guys pick teams. No east against west, no North America against the rest, no nothing - just a little bit of pick-up. They switch jersey colors as needed and then get the game underway. It would be a blast. No chance to practice together - ya gotta jell out on the ice.

Hey National Hockey League - are you reading this? Are ya listening? NBC? (Versus? Fox Sports? Do you hear me?) Sell it boys. You heard it here first.

Buffalo scores within two minutes of the start of the second period. The sleet continues for most of the period. Again a lot of good hits. The game is fast. These guys are lit.

Like those pale blue Penguin sweaters. Reminds me of the Maine Black Bears, sort-a. They’ll sell a bunch of those replica babies, I’m sure.

Third period starts and there’s no snow, no sleet. Weird - a weatherman is part of the broadcast team. In Buffalo, you need him - the weather can change so fast coming off the lake. Mid period it’s starting to snow again. Predicting wind. The teams will change ends mid-period to be weather fair.

Hey, here’s to all those fans. A hearty bunch of folks they are! They’ve been prepped for this by watching the Bills play regularly.

And then I gotta tell ya that the commercials have been good too. I always appreciate the ones for the USMC - a special place in my heart for those guys (O.B.O. and M.A.J. - that’s for you guys). The Heiny one is good too - just too bad that beer tastes like a skunk’s ass. Give me a good Irish amber, ehh. Oh hell give me two or three cold ones.

So it’s snowing more again as they switch ends in the third. The announcers are getting cold. Wimps!

I wonder if Buffalo’s Miller has that stocking cap glued to his mask? Kinda surprised that the officials have let him wear it. What if it falls off during a skrum in the crease and it obstructs the puck? Probably won’t get a chance to see - but what if, ehh?

This has been some old time hockey. We just need a bench clearing brawl to really make my day. Oh hell that would be icing on the cake. I’m happy enough as it is.

I gotta tell ya, you guys, these two teams, the officials, the live fans of Buffalo, NBC, the NHL and sponsors are all f’n walking with wood today! This is the best yet.

Damn! Pittsburgh penalty with seconds left. That’ll roll over into OT and make for an interesting start four on three.

Intense, this overtime. Finally its sent out of the Pittsburgh end and then back in again. A little jostling right in the crease and the puck is loose - scary. Penalty’s over now and we’ve got a face-off at center ice again. Weird ass buzzer and they change ends in OT. Fair? I guess so. End to end but seems like Buffalo’s got more control, more shots. Snowing steady again. Lovin it!

Fifty seconds left and the Penns get called for icing.

All that and nothing. No score in OT. It goes to a shoot out, my least favored part of modern hockey. No team aspect in this. Get rid of it. (Ding dang if I’m not getting opinionated, ehh.)

Because of the wind the shoot out will be only done in one end. Each goalie switching out between shots.

Buffalo - first shot - goal!
Pittsburgh - first shot - stumped
Buffalo - second shot - save
Pittsburgh - second shot - score!
Buffalo - third shooter - no goal
Pittsburgh - third shooter - goal - five hole - it’s the game winner for Crosby!!

And the fireworks go off!

I hope that they do this again next year. Its some good shit. I sure wish I could say “I was there!”

How ‘bout you? Were you there? Walking with wood?

NEGATE THE NIGHTMARES???

Hey gang!

How’s it hangin?

Saint Nick leave you a treat or two? I got mine. Nice!

Not much to write this week cuz I’m spending some time right now getting sauced with the honey. Got the fire going in the fireplace, the in-laws or out for a while and the snow is crispy. Most days I’d say “Oh, just for a rink in the back yard!” But not today.

Nope!

Got some other stuff on my mind.

But I read some legal shit recently that made it sound like Chuck Norris is going after people using his good name.

Scary!

You’d think he’d appreciate the free advertising, ehh? When you think about it, he should be probably paying us to wear his name on our jerseys, right?

“Norris’ Nightmares”. What a team! Those kids are the best damn hockey players you ever did see. They’ve got it all and more heart then you’d think possible from a bunch of hard-asses.

I’d hate to have to change their name because “Carlos” thinks he’s getting a bad rep.

In event he comes after us awe struck Chuck Norris wanna-bees, do any of you guys have an idea for a new name?

Let me know if ya come up with any good ideas. I just may need one.

Captain Morgan’s calling for another round so I gotta run.

But have yourselves one heck of Great New Year! Spend a little time walking with wood, ehh!

See ya then in 2008.

Jasper Wheats - your favorite little lopsided puck buddy.

GREEN PARADE

A very Merry Christmas to all my fool puck buddies out there!

Hope that all of you have been good this year and are getting what ya want for Christmas.

Yup and I ain’t going to use some politically correct phrase to greet ya. Its “Christmas“, dab nab it. I’m a Christian by belief and that says that I’m celebrating the birth of Christ at this time of year and you can greet me any old dang way you want but I’m going to use the word “Christmas” when I greet you.

I’ve been writing this hockey humor now for a year and I have no intentions of stopping at this point. I do intend to spread the word a bit more in the coming year and will be posting last year’s blogs on myspace.com. You can probably find me there if you do a search while in myspace and look for either my user name “Hockey Bob” or my email “walkingwithwood”. At some point in time I also intend to develop a website - but not yet cuz I need a bit more free time in order to get started. If anybody wants to help me for free then just shoot me an email. OK?

Last night I watched a hockey game on TV. It was the Sharks versus the Ducks on Fox’s sports network in the Bay Area (San Francisco, CA) and the Ducks again pounded the Sharks on their own ice. I don’t really care, I’m an LA Kings fan anyway (FOOL!), but it was ice hockey and for it to be televised I was quite pleased. It made for an enjoyable evening to hang out with the honey. But shiiish, it was the third televised game between these two competitors in this week before Christmas. By now they must really hate each other, ehh?

While watching and at a point where I was really just listening I heard the announcers mention that Sher-Wood had announced it is going to stop producing their premium wooden hockey sticks. They came back a few minutes later and said that their support staff had determined that only seventeen (17) NHLr’s are currently using wooden sticks.

Blymie! My whole realm of existence is based on wooden hockey sticks. As Jasper Wheats my tag line is “walking with wood” and this news just can’t be true. How many times have I praised the good wood of Sher-wood hockey sticks, ehh? You guys know that I love these beautiful and deadly weapons of our trade. Right? I’ve always had a preference to use a Paul Coffee signature model P.M.P. 5030 droit (right to you English speaking folks). Damn! What is the world coming too?

My first thought last night was that the whole world is just going too green. Hence the title of this blog. It just might be the case when you dig deep enough. I remember back when we were all trying to be so ecological and at that early time it meant using things from the earth that were replenishable. That meant using things from plants and animals and not using things that required petroleum products. Trees can be planted and will grow, right? And cows will give birth to calves and calves will grow. So products made from these were good for us because someday we would run out of oil. Now you guys all know that plastics are made from petroleum products right? Doubt me? Then look it up.

But somewhere along the way green changed its meaning to using products that didn’t use replenishable forests. The tree huggers won, ehh? So instead we now have all of these plastic’s and other oil based wastes going into landfills where it will take ten million years or so to break down and revert back into a natural substance. I don’t think that that is so smart - but then I ain’t no rocket scientist am I? I’m just a little lopsided hockey player that likes to walk with wood. I like to use Sher-Woods and they make those out of wood, ehh. Replenishable. My first hockey helmet was made of leather, not plastic. It was an ugly little wrap around with a spider web top. All leather. I don’t know if it protected me so well, but it fit over a woolen knit stocking cap just fine. And then there’s that stocking cap - wool, not knit synthetics. Replenishable from sheep. And my first good skates were all leather uppers and soles from Bauers. Of course they had a small bit of plastic or glass reinforced resin armor between the inners and outers. You’d take those home and soak’em in hot water and then put them on for the day while they dried up and shrunk to a perfect fit around each foot. Then you’d wax them up with a good saddle soap - again made of replenishable animal fat. Of course I always wished that I could afford a good pair of Tac’s back then. They were made of kangaroo skin leather - again replenishable. By the time I could afford those light weight babies they made it illegal to use kangaroo. Some do-gooder came up with that “swell idea” not realizing that kangaroos are like rodents in Australia and they’ve got way too many of them.

Is Sher-Wood getting on the green parade?

So this morning I decide to google this issue with Sher-Wood.

I come a cross an interesting article by Sean Gordon, the Quebec Bureau Chief of the Toronto Star that was published November 5, 2007. Ok, so it’s old news now - almost two months old, ehh. But so what. I don’t get the Toronto Star delivered here to the cabin. It’s news to me.

Here’s the skinny.

Sherbrook Woodcraft was started up in 1949. The name has now been shortened to Sher-Wood which we are all familiar with and their always popular hockey sticks. Last year they made one million wooden hockey sticks and three-hundred and fifty thousand composite sticks.

So you can see there is still one hell of a market for wooden sticks.

What they are going to do is stop making their signature premium sticks at their factory in Quebec. Leopold Drolet the owner and earlier designer of the Sher-Woods that Guy LaFleur used has stated that it is “no longer possible to make a profit mass producing wooden sticks with Quebec timber”.

Well what the fuck are we going to do?

They will be made elsewhere. China, India, Timbuktoo. Shit I don’t know!

Drolet himself said that he doesn’t use a composite or aluminum shaft stick He won’t play with anything except a 5030. Well what the heck is he doing. About forty folks are going to lose their job at his plant. And that’s about half of them. Nice Christmas present, ehh?

After reading that statement I got up out my comfy recliner, walked barefooted over into the icy mud room and grabbed one of my 5030’s. Not broken yet, its an old Bellows 23 signature model feather-lite. And it felt good in my bare hands. I can still read the price tag: $24.60 USD. I preferred the Paul Coffee version but they must not have had any in stock when I bought this one. Shit, Drolet, raise the price. Here you’ve got one of the greatest sticks in the world and you could be selling it for a few more bucks, ehh. What’s a good composite cost - $80 - $150? You got some room in there to raise your prices.

This is what LaFleur had to say, “The P.M.P. 5030 was the best stick in the world.” And then he said something about gaining ten to twenty miles an hour on your shot with a composite. But what good is that if ya miss the net by fifty feet? The hero, LaFleur, knows what he’s talking about, ehh. Didn’t he score almost 620 goals in his career? I do believe that he also said something about “crap” and questioning what kind of parent can afford a $200 stick for a kid that shows an interest in the sport and is just starting out.

Well, who are these seventeen NHL players that are still using wooden sticks? I want to know. I know of one that is and he’s using Sher-Woods. That’s Jason Spezza of the Ottawa Senators. Yeah the dude is walking with wood, ehh! And you should be too!

That’s it for now.

Jasper here until next year.

Merry Christmas and I hope ya get some wood for the new year.

CHRISTMAS TOADS

Hey you guys, here’s a Happy Good Holiday to you!

It’s been a fair week so far for me. Been back home for most of it instead of being on the road. The company Christmas Party is tonight, so I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. Me and the honey will get dolled up and have some fun. She bought me some nice dress slacks and had them tailored so that my short leg doesn’t have a damn pile of fabric hangin on my boot. It helps to look spiffed up for these things ya know. She’ll look stunning as usual - damn I love that lady!

So being in town I got a chance to coach a couple of games with my Norris’s Nightmares. Jingles and Bronzy have been doing wonders with them. They looked tight and are two games out of first place in their division. They split the games with the Red Dogs over in Wateca. The Red Dogs have got that hotter then shit girl goalie. She’s got that glove hand that every guy is looking for around midnight if ya know what I mean - fast. Tanker bullnosed through the slot for a couple of goals in the second game knocking her on her keister both times. Just a tiny bit of fisticuffs erupted as would be expected. But the bitch is tough, and takes her teeth out when she plays. She knows what she’s up against every night. Our defense finally looks like their working as team-mates now when they’re out on the ice. Seem to know where each other is at or at least where they’re supposed to be at. It looked good. I was real pleased. These guys have really been working hard and I gotta say that they’re walking with wood right now.

I also managed to hook up for a game with the Outlaws last night. Woody moved out of state earlier in the season so I played as him. He’s my drunken twin to most folks who have ever seen us together, ’cept his short legs are both the same length. I don’t have his skills either, but who cares - nobody gives a rats ass. It was fun. We went over to Maggy’s and closed the place like old times. Nothin like chugging brewskies and having the barmaid bringin ya free shooters, ehh. I hadn’t hung out with these guys for a while so It was the tits of a good time.

Maggy’s parking lot is gravel and this time of year ya can’t see much of it due to the snow. Stinky comes over and plows it out for her and gets free lunches a couple a times a week for helping out. So anyway ya gotta kinda watch your step out there cuz one step ya take might be on some packed ice or re-melt with a bit of a slip and the next ya might hit exposed gravel grabbin your foot fo a nose dive. It’s a little dicey.

We call it a night inside but Jingles and Bronzy continue some small talk as we head towards my truck. I pull my gear out the cab to throw into the bed when out of the dark Tidwilly and the Wanker boys jump me. Oh shit! What a mess that was. Jingles just about ripped Tidwilly apart. He picked him up at one point and threw him completely over the hood of my truck. The dude just has an Irish mean streak that comes out sometimes and when he’s pumped there’s some unbelievable strength lurking beneath that mellow nature of his. Bronzy, too, don’t believe I ever seen him fight with such vigor. Me, I slipped on the packed snow at the first blow but by the time I was up, Jingles was on Tidwilly. So I squared off with one of the Wanker boys, I can’t tell em apart. They’re both just no good sons of a bitches. We took our blows but I truly believe we pretty much pounded the shit outta them before the sheriff deputies showed up.

Deputy Skolyan took charge of the situation and had dictated cuffing us all. Man was I pumped! After a few minutes while he was on the radio we sat in crusiers waiting to get hauled in. Then he came over to the car that me and my brothers were in and said “Un-cuff the Wheats’. Jasper, you, and your brothers, head-on on home now. Don’t get in anymore shit. These dirt bags that ya whooped on have got some recent warrants against them. I ‘spect that they’ll do thirty days or so. Gonna be Christmas Toads back at our little county lockup. Now git outta here.”

I looked over at Jingles and he had one of his shit eattin grins on and was looking at his bloody knuckles and then I looked over at Bronzy. The dude looked like he was on speed or something. His eyes were so dilated - I realized he was just as torqued as me.

I said, “Hey, sleep ain’t gonna come easy tonight. What say we go down to Denny’s for Grand Slams?”

Jingles smirks, “I think we just had one, but that suits me just fine, Jasper. Lets roll.”

Over to Denny’s we get our chow and like Jingles likes to say “The thousand assorted jellies.” Damn it’s good to be hangin out with my brothers.

Jingles is eight years younger then me. He was born in early January and I like to think that he is one of the best late Christmas presents I ever got. I had been the only boy in the family until he came along - shit having five sisters up until then. I remember how proud I was of him when I was just a kid. I remember the first Christmas present that I bought for him. Cost me a whole dime. It was a blue plastic bear, about five or six inches long. I thought it was just the coolest thing to give your baby brother. Yup, you ain’t real smart when you’re just a kid yet. But he was special to me. Seems as though in fourth or fifth grade I took him with me on the last day of school for show-and-tell. Damn, using your brother as a show-and-tell piece. Crazy, ehh?

We jabbered about all the old time shit while we ate our breakfasts. I told em that watchin Jingles throw Tidwilly reminded me of the time when Bronzy was snooping around under the Christmas tree as a kid and it pissed me off so much that I picked him up and took him outside and threw him into junipers in the front yard.

Bronzy responds, “Yeah, Jasp, you’d go a little crazy now and then didn’t ya?”

Jingles joins the chew on me and says “Shit, remember when I was your jinx whenever you were working on your car. I remember you throwing me around a bit too.”

“Fuck you, you guys. Nobody knew it back then, that I had a blood sugar problem that would make me damn cantankerous if I didn’t eat with regularity. That’s what most of the problem was. I’ve come to figure out that that’s why I’d get so angry about having to wait to eat dinner after Dad got home from work.”

Bronzy about spews his Tabasco’d eggs, “Nine o’clock?”

“Yeah, nine o’clock, Jasper! You still got that clock that Lori and Jim gave you for Christmas that year that only has nine’s on it? Shit, you always were screaming at Mom, “When are we gonna eat, nine o‘clock?“”

“Damn right I still have it. Keep it in my office at home along side some other treasured stuff. I replace the battery in it every year or so and never had any problem telling what time it is with it.” And I jab back, “Ya still got those Nuclear Briefs that I made for you that one Christmas?”

We had made Christmas lists back then and he had written "Nuclear Briefs" on his list. So I made him some. Bought a jock strap and spray painted it gold and threaded an electrical cord into the waist elastic. Made a semi-professional label for a box and wrapped it all up for him. It was hilarious.

“Did anybody ever take a picture of you wearing it? I’d love to post that on a website.”

“Eat shit Jasper. I have no idea what happened to that thing. I figure that one of these years Ry-Ry will surprise me with a new pair.”

We carried on for some time talking about the old days.

Family is something great and I gotta tell ya (not tryin to be all mushy and shit) ya gotta cherish every single moment. Like country singer, Kenny Chesny‘s song “Don’t Blink.” It all goes so fast and every moment can create a hell of a memory for ya. Hang on to them. Tell the stories later and you’ll be walking with wood in the eyes of your future kids or grandkids.

I think back at Christmas’s when I was a kid and the few gifts that I got. We weren’t rich and there sure were a bunch of us in the family. As I recall these items mentioned next were my main gifts in any particular year.

A model airplane, Navy Trainer, made of thin webbed plastic with a rubber band driven prop. Dad could make it fly further then I could. Guess it was because of his height - the plane had more altitude to start with. Me, I’d just wind the rubber band as tight as I could to help it out. Broke the rubber band a few times. Took forever after breaking this gift for me to figure out how to fix things.

An orangish-yellow sweatshirt that had either Daniel Boone or Davy Crockett on it. I’ve never had a yellow sweatshirt since then but wear grays, blues, blacks and whites all the times now days.

An eighty power Gilbert reflecting telescope. Still like looking at the sky at night and all sorts of other heavenly bodies.

Mark Twain’s book “Tom Sawyer”. Probably this tale has had more influence on me then much else. Am I not a little Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn myself, ehh? Could I become the new Mark Twain?

‘Course I got to pick out a new hockey stick one year and we know where that took me.

Oh yeah, those past holidays of gift giving and receiving were great times. Are the physical gifts more lasting then the emotional ones? Nah I don’t thinks so.

What kinda memories of your past holidays can you dig up?

Like I mentioned earlier, I want all of you to have a great Christmas. There’s no point in moping about over bad times. Make your own good times. Have a blast! You just gotta skate hard and walk with wood.

Don’t be a Christmas Toad, ehh.

Now I got some knuckle bumps to heal and some sleep to catch up on before tonight’s company party. So I’ll see ya later.

HASH

Hey, you guys. Sorry I missed ya last week. Just have been ’streamly busy with my real job. I’ve had to travel a quite a bit recently and then had problems with the company vehicle that really clobbered the old gumption to tell ya a new story here. Besides work, Christmas is fast approaching and the season makes my mind wonder a bit. Start thinking about the old days, ehh, and holiday hockey out on the pond again. Those were the times! You guys can relate to that?

But I’ve also been really tied up in an old rag knot with a new endeavor. I’ll be teaching a university class this spring and have to do a lot prep shit for that too. With all that’s going on I sure hope that someday I’ll have sacked away enough money that the honey and me can afford to quit milkin the cows, if ya know what I mean.

So here goes this week’s trip into my world. Hang on, cuz I sure hope ya got an appetite for some excitement and dad-burn foolishness.

HASH - you’re familiar with the word, ehh? Yah. A shortened version of the word hashish that Webster says is “unadulterated resin from the flowering tops of the female hemp plant that is smoked, chewed or drunk for its intoxicating effect.”

Oh yeah!

Put it simply it’s the illegal drug that the youth of world toked up in bongs and hash pipes long before all this chemical crap got invented that kids are getting fucked up on nowadays. Yup, it’s the flowering sap from pot plants. A smelly, brownish, little turd looking substance that’ll get ya high.

Experience says it works. But my drugs of choice these days only include the caffeine in my coffee or cola pops, alcohol in my beerskies (or during this Holiday Season a little Irish Cream and Kahlua), prescription meds that the doc gives me to let me live to a ripe ass age, and ibuprofen for all my ding-dang aches and pains.

But in the day I wasn’t no panty-waist. I did the shit. Makes me wonder, though, thinking back a few years that how much I enjoyed the morphine after they replaced my hip. Just surprised that I didn’t end up a geezed out street druggy instead of the upstanding old fart that I am today.

But back to HASH, ehh. Like pot, it gives ya the munchies. Now the munchies are something we can probably talk about. You guys really know what I mean here, ehh? I mean come on, you’ve seen that Jack in the Box commercial where the dude is trying to figure out what to order and he’s talking to the bobble head Jack on the dash of his van … “Yeahhhh….. That’sss what I wasss thinkinnnn.” Sure for shit when ya got the munchies ya just gotta eat. That’s it! Flat as a pancake and time to scarf.

Well, I’ll be damned if I don’t wake up with the munchies every morning. Don’t you?

Its been that way since I was a fool kid not even tall enough to look over the kitchen table. I can remember a time when I was just a little tike and Mom had fixed chili for dinner. I wouldn’t eat it. She kept me sitting at the table until bedtime and then had me sit with that cold bowl of chili in front of me in the morning too. I wouldn’t eat it - no way - no how. I didn’t like chili and I sure for shit didn’t like anything with tomatoes in it back then. Sure I was starving big time. Munchies galore.

Being a bit pissed off while I was sitting there, I poured all the salt from the shaker into the sugar bowl and later on when Mom finally relented and let me have a bowl of Cheerios I plumb forgot. Egads - that was the biggest waste of breakfast cereal that ever happened in my lifetime I’m sure.

Breakfast is the stuff of life. Cures that morning munchy and leaves ya set for the day, ehh. A good breakfast and ya can be walking with wood all day long.

When I was a kid, cold cereal was definitely the standard. Cheerios first then I moved on to Wheaties. General Mills products - good stuff from a good company. They sponsored my Babe Ruth baseball team (wished it had been my hockey team, ehh). Now that’s a story. Had that big G on my uniform. Wanted to be a catcher but the coach’s son played that position. Fat chance for that opportunity. I must have really sucked anyway cuz I only got to play in one game and that was for the opposing team on an account they didn’t have enough guys show up. A real ego booster - that was - Babe Ruth Baseball. Huh?

It was always a real treat if we got sugar coated cereals when I was kid. But occasionally we would get some Frosted Flakes, Sugar Pops, AlphaBits or Sugar Smacks. Mmmmm mmmmm mmmm! I sure loved those sweet morning bowls filled to the brim with milk.

My school buddy, Girbin, just loved those Sugar Smacks and the old sugar bear that they used in the advertisements. We’d get nuts-o after school eating a bowl or two together.

Coulda been a sugar fiend I guess too, if not a morphine addict. Maybe most of us were. Some of us still are. Gotta have our fix.

Mom was pretty strict about that sugar consumption though. Or at least with me anyway. Around the time Jingles and Bronzy were around she musta lightened up a bit. Damn, they ate Cap’n Crunch. Is it still around? I don’t know. Turned the milk yellow in the bowl and I think it was 40 to 60 percent sugar. Each of em used to eat a whole box for breakfast. You didn’t have to add more milk - just add more cereal. Poor Mom, I’m sure she had to deal with the sugar high that these little junkies took off on.

I still wake up with the munchies every day and I still occasionally fix myself a bowl of cold cereal to remedy that need. ‘Cept now days I start with about a third of a bowl of crisp rice (all generic no name brands any more), a sliced up half a banana, a third a bowl of wheat bran, a couple of table spoons of raisins, and then topping out the bowl with some sugar coated corn flakes. All that scrunched down to make room for that good old 2% milk. Good stuff, Maynard! You’re set for the day after a munchy buster like that.

Now up here in the North Woods that kind a breakfast won’t suit ya too well durin the late fall and winter. Ya don’t want to be puttin too much cold shit in your body so early in the day. Ya need something a little more substantial. Something warm and I ain’t talkin about no damn oatmeal or Malt-O-Meal slop.

Ya need to add some eggs and such to your meal. Now Denny’s, I can vouch for, makes a damn fine breakfast. The Original Grand Slam will suit me just right. Ya get some eggs, pancakes, and choice of meat. Me, I usually go “all bacon and eggs over medium with coffee and a glass of milk with the meal“. Now this meal works great for a morning breakfast, as I figure, my family that hangs out in the city got together again this morning and probably sat down to eight or so orders of Grand Slams this morning. But it also works for filling your gut after a good game of late night hockey and then closing the bar. Done that enough times for sure!

But then there’s my other choice from Denny’s or any other reputable greasy spoon and that’s “bacon and eggs over medium with hash browns, toast and coffee with milk with the meal”. Now Denny’s has a little one up-manship here over others in that they’ll offer their “a thousand assortments of jellies” for your toast (if ya like the three flavors that they’re serving that day - that is). Ya can’t beat it, ehh?

Munchies, uh huh! I sure had them this morning again. I got up pretty early and the honey allows me to make my own breakfast and mess. Its one of the few things that I’ve been able to carry over into marriage from my years of bachelorhood besides hockey.

But it was too damned cold in the cabin to think about cereal. I figured that I’d fire up the stove and make myself something warm, tasty and filling. I checked out the refrigerator and saw that we had eggs. That’s good. Now there might be some leftover red potatoes from the roast beef earlier this week. Yup. That’s good. Now for the meat I see we’ve got some ham, roast beef and meat loaf leftovers, and a bag of salad bacon bits. Hmmm? Looks like the meat loaf and I’ll make some hash.

HASH?

Yup. You guys, it’s the same word - just a different meaning. Now hash as from hashish we know now is a drug, ehh? I don’t know where it gets that “ish” on the end of the word but its probably like Turkish, or English, or Berkleyish; but more then likely it comes from Mendocinoish. I mean cuz like the best shit comes from there, ehh!

But hash for the kitchen fixin, now that’s something else! Again, Webster, my good bud, says “to chop, as in to small pieces; chopped meat mixed with potatoes and browned”. Yeah that’s the stuff!

So, I’m makin some hash you guys. The meatloaf was the heal end out of the pan stuffed into a baggy. I just crumbled that all up while it was still in the baggy. Fired up a large skillet with a mess a olive oil in it. Diced an already cooked red potato and started browning those pups. Dumped in the crumbled meat loaf, diced up a quarter of a bell pepper, kept the fire going and started stirring and flipping. Added a couple of heaping tablespoons of those bacon bits and shook a shit load of black pepper over the top. Smells damn good! Normally I add onions but the meatloaf already had enough in it for my tastes. While this was browning to perfection I got the heat under an egg pan and fried up a couple over medium. All finished I slop the hash on a platter size plate and set the eggs over the top - all to be chopped and mixed up together for a fine morning feast with a little salt and a glass of moo.

Now I use a plastic spatula for flippin the hash in the pan. When the honey makes this or similar dishes like fried potatoes she uses a little wooden thingy. Not quite a wooden spoon and not quite a wooden spatula. I personally hate the thing, but she likes it. After I sort of did my post cooking cleanup I noticed some unusual utensils on the counter that I’d never seen before. The honey must a got them when I was outta town or something. They look like white porcelain but are melamine, whatever the fuck that is, and were made in Thailand if ya can believe that. I had to ask her later where she got them and said she said at the grocery store. I didn’t believe her. They look like they came from a sci-fi store. The first one that I saw kind of looked like a fat tonged table fork with only two tongs. But not really functional as a fork - too fat. What it really looks like is a miniature electronic probe/jabbing gizmo that an alien might have used in Star Trek, Star Wars, or other sci-fi flick. She said its for poking things. I told her, I got the tool for poking things and it sure don’t look like that. This damn thing evens rings when ya tap it, like I said fine porcelain, uh huh. Scary! Now the other utensil looks kind of like a wide blade skinning knife but again that melamine shit. Must be a set or something. Before I talked to her about them I thought, well maybe its new silverware, but if the first one is the fork then this one could be the knife or spoon. Neither too functional. Too flat for a spoon - wouldn’t hold a bit of cereal, and too dull for a knife. She said its for spreading stuff for like icing on a cake. I don’t know though. Could be alien instruments if ya ask me. I’ll have to watch her for a while, ehh.

I’m going to tell ya - hash is a damn good pre-game meal. Ya just wanta make sure that ya scarf it down a couple hours ahead a lacing em up though, cuz it can sit pretty heavy and also cause ya to burp up them peppers and onions. I used to fix it with lard instead of the olive oil like I use now. Moves through ya quite quick that way with the lard and makes ya light for the game if ya know what I mean.

Hash is good fixins for camping too. I fix it for the guys when we go fishin and shit. Makes for a one pot meal that ya can have for breakfast or dinner alike.

I’ve been fixin it for years now, I made it with every kind of meat ya can think of: chicken, fillet mignon, pork chops, ham, steak, hamburger, elk, trout, bacon, leftover sloppy-joe, sausage, turkey dark meat. Its really a “leftover dream meal”.

So here’s the word from Jasper here, ya wanta push a little poop through the shoot and energy up for your pond hockey game tonight in the subzero weather then fix yourself a big old batch of HASH. You’ll be walking with wood like the big boys do!

Keep your sticks down and skate hard!

Troubles

To my dedicated readers - I apologize for not posting a new Jasper Wheats tale for your entertainment this week. I had some travel problems this weekend and some duties for future opportunities to take care of.

I actually started something about half an hour ago and then my laptop hiccupped and the whole of what I had written just diappeared into the nether world.

The idea still dwells in a wrinkle of my brain so given that I end up having both the time and the energy I'll get you something fresh before the end of the week.

Bobby (those of you at myspace.com that's "Hockey Bob")

4 DAY WEEKEND

Apres Thanksgiving

Jasper here - just sittin around the fire, the honey and me, enjoying the end of a fine four day weekend. Our Thanksgiving was great, stuffed myself like a durn fool and crashed out way to early for a man of my young age. One of my nephews on my honey’s side of the family had us over where his wife and her mom put together one heck of a nice meal. Turkey, ham, spuds, dressing, beans, dinner rolls, pies and cookies with ice cream and wine. Could a had brews but no one else was drinkin them so I stuck with the beverage of the evening.

I collected a mess a deadfall during the summer - ya know just a random assortment of hardwoods and pines - and split it up for the winter nights. Feels purty good to have the heat from the fireplace warming your soul. Sure brings back so many great memories of sittin around the campfire, drinkin brews and shootin the shit on all those fishing trips with buds before I met my honey. Course her and me have done our share of some damn fine enjoyable camping together too. Just really like sitting by the fire as ya let it burn down to just coals before crashing and looking up at the stars and wondering about the immensity of our universe.

Speaking of that, have any of ya seen that new comet that exploded? I’ve spotted it twice so far. From my local at about 9:00 pm its maybe 10 to 15 degrees north and 5 to 10 degrees east of my zenith (that means directly overhead for you dim wits out there). It’s looks like a small circular cloudy spot fairly near a yellowish star. I read somewhere that after it exploded it became larger then our sun making it the largest celestial body in our solar system. Of course it is so damn far away right now that you’d never know it, ehh.

Pretty cool stuff, that astronomy and sky watchin. I keep hopin that I’ll get to see a flying saucer, maybe, before I die. I just know that there is other intelligent life out there. The Good Lord didn’t just create his kind here on this planet, I figure.

I remember one time I got so caught up in star gazing around a dying campfire that I munched up a whole box of cinnamon graham crackers all by my lonesome. I’ll tell you, you guys, that is not something that ya want to do when you’re out camping away from civil facilities. Damn if I didn’t get the worst case a the shits that I can ever remember. If ya don’t believe me then you go eat a whole family size bag of teddy grahams all by yourself and see what happens.

Hey, I just wanted to say “Hi!” to all my friends over at myspace.com. You’re all good puck heads, ehh! Dudes and dudettes just living for the best sport in the world …. hockey. You guys have gotta just keep on skating hard and walk with wood when ya can. Ok?

Some a ya are probably still wondering about the continued activities involved with those bones that were found while hand excavating my basement, ehh. The sheriff still has it cordoned off and they braced up the end wall of the cabin like he said they would. We haven’t moved out cuz most a the work they do is during daylight hours and me and the honey are away that time a the day anyway. We’re both still having our weird-ass dreams or nightmares though. Shit, them puppies might never stop happening.

The sheriff and the county have put a pretty strong case together so far against Mr. Oscar Pederson. I guess that they’re going to try to extradite him from Argentina with the help of federal authorities. I’m wondering if they would take me on as a short little lopsided sheriff’s deputy. If they’d bring me on board to bring him back in, tear him away from that little hoochie mama down there, and hold him in the local pokie here I’d just be bejiggered with joy to do it. Shit howdy! Maybe I could get in a little side trip to cast a fly for some a those trophy browns that they got down there around Patagonia. Wouldn’t that be something, ehh, you guys?

As I know more - I’ll tell ya more. No secrets and no bull shit here, ehh.

Thanksgiving is over and that means we’re on the home stretch to Christmas. I gotta tell ya I went out and did some shopping early Friday morning. Nah, I ain’t no fool spending all day doing early Christmas shopping. Just needed some things for myself. Saw that K-Mart had flannels on sale for six bucks. Shit ya can’t beat that, ehh. So I headed over at 6:00 am and got four extra-large ones before they sold out. Already, that early in the morning, what a nut house that place was. Yup, I figure that these guys are going to shrink after washing so I’m just going to wear them as dab-gone long as I can before that happens.

I’ve been thinkin about getting the honey some perfume for Christmas but that went to hell in a hand basket since Thanksgiving night. That night her sister gave her a whole stack of women’s magazines that she’s apparently got subscriptions to and every one of them fashion mag’s has got about five or six perfume ads with them foldover scent page doo-hickies. She just tore those right out and folded each page up and put it separately into individual baggies for future use.

Shit, she’s set for the year, ehh. Now what am I going to do? You guys got any ideas?

I always try to put something together for the county’s children’s center this time a the year. Doesn’t seem to be as many parentless kids over there as there used to be but I still like to do something for them for Christmas. This year I had, what I thought, was a heck of a good idea. I’d make them sock puppets. Shit, I figured, I’ve got just whole slew of old hockey socks that I could use and the honey could help me. So, the night before last, I dug em up. I had some Ranger’s, Bruins, Golden Seals, North Stars, Blues and no-name socks. We ran em through the washer to make sure they were nice and clean. Then we started trying to put them together. Crap, some of these old socks had stirrups but that wasn’t the worst of it. Ya know ya can’t make a decent sock puppet from an open ended sock! Cripes did I feel like one stupid shit. Guess I’ll either have to give these old socks to Stinky or use em as car rags.

Another Christmas idea down the drain, ehh. I’ll have to figure something else out to give these kids.

The fire’s going down, guess I’ll have to stoke it up cuz the night's still young.

Speakin of stokin-up, shit, who lit the fire under my LA Kings last night? They went and beat the San Jose Sharks 2 to 1. Nice! Very, very nice! Its been a while coming. I’d really like to see them turn this season around and quit hanging out in the cellar. And shit, how about that goalie that Gretz picked up from Anaheim for his Coyotes. I think he’s got four wins in a row now. And the Caps are maybe turning it around too as they’ve got two wins in a row for their new interim coach.

You know, I’d just like to see some things spin in the NHL once in a while

Back to the duties of a Thanksgiving four day weekend. I put up Christmas lights today. I got sap on me up to my damn earlobes. Used to be so easy to hang them lights on the house when we lived in town. Now you can’t hardly see the cabin from the road so we light up two trees that we got out at the end of the drive. They’re kinda nice shaped and all so they look real good when I get done, but holy mackerel if them pups weren’t just coated with fresh sap for some un-natural reason. And me too for a while. Had to use turpentine to get most of it off. But like I said these trees look awfully damn nice. Its sure helps that when I had them run power for the cabin that I had them put a 100 amp pedestal out along side the drive. I’ve had to use that for all sorts a shit and it works just fine when ya got ten strings of lights on each tree, ehh.

How about you guys? Did ya have a great Thanksgiving weekend? Keep up traditions from your past? Damn I hope so.

I really wanted to get in some holiday pond hockey like the old days. Just some sweet pickup - three on three would a been fine. But it’s been so mild though so far that we haven’t had a decent freeze - nothings frozen over yet and if this global warming crap is for real then maybe nothing will ever again. Who knows, ehh?

Alrighty, enough for this week. Appreciate all of ya that read this north woods humor that’s been spiced up a bit with hockey and other tidbits of wisdom that ya can … never …. take to the bank.

Keep the snow outta your boots by staying on the shoveled path! Walk with wood and skate hard!

OSCAR'S BITTY

Damn if my basement to be or as the honey says “your old root cellar” ain’t still all taped off by the sheriff yet.

Shit, shit, shit!

Them damn bones down there have just about taken the wind outta my sails ya know. I really wanted to get that baby closed off before the real chill of winter set in.

I did a little negotiating with the local public works department while I was outta town this week to get my hands on some used narrow box culvert that they’d dug up to be replaced with some wider shit. They’re replacing it out by Ledgewood Creek that overflowed last Fourth of July and closed off access to the northwest corner of the county for about a week. I’ll have to arrange to move and set it over here at the cabin, but I figure that it’ll work good for that secret tunnel I was tellin ya about earlier that’ll run from the barn to the basement. It’s about a hundred foot run so it’ll be ten sections and lids of that used shit. I figure that I can get Moyer to help me out with this shit - he knows most the local contractors that do underground utilities and stuff like that.

Our local county building department is kinda lenient out here and we most the time can do what we want as long as it ain’t living space that we’re messin with so this will just be pretty damn slick.

Back to them bones. The honey said that a deputy and Flagg came out on Monday and Tuesday. Didn’t chat with her much but she said that when they left they had two heavy black plastic bags of probably bones.

So, you guys, I got home around 8:30 last night from my train ride and was just bushed. Stayed up for a bit watching some TV with the honey and chatting a bit about the usual domestic stuff and then just hit a wall and excused myself to go to bed. Guess I’m damn glad that Norris’ Nightmares were playing away games this weekend over the state line and that Jingles and Bronzie are running them. I’d a died trying to keep up with the beers afterwards for shit for sure.

So I crashed hard like you guys do the net on a two on one bitch of a break. Goalies pain for your gain, ehh.

At about 3:00 am I wake up sweaty and hot and it sounds like Husongs Cantina in my head. Was that Spanish or just a garbled up midnight brain fart??? Then it comes back to me I’d been dreaming. And oh fuck! It was that same dream I had when I was outta town looking at resort property up by Duluth. The night I got thrown in jail for throwing rocks. The night the Staal brothers were in there with me cuz of their bachelor party.

It all came back to me so clear.

I’d been dreaming that I was walking up to an arena with my gear bag and sticks over my shoulder. It was a big place, I mean something big enough for an NHL game. I’m feeling a little nervous - kinda like when ya get the shits before the first couple a games a the season, ya know.

And outside the arena were all these vendors pushing carts and hawking their goods like the guys ya see downtown selling ice cream and cold treats with bells ringing and shit. ‘Cept these guys were selling stuff called Durdy Deeds. I walk by one vendor and he yells at me “Wut ya want kid? I got sum Hi-Stix, But-Ends and Cros-Chex left. Ya gonna neeeed em! Anything ya buy comes with a get outta jail free card.”

What the fuck is this ??? I’m trying to get my head on straight.

Another’s yelling “Get ya hooks right here! I got elbows, come on guys, I got elbows! Get ya hooks! Right here, right here, now!”

A vendor over to the left is hawking “Stitches, get your stitches, sutures here, you’re gonna need em! Get’m here! Going fast! Stitches!” Catches his breath and he starts again “I got knuckle bumps and black eyes, it’s all good shit guys, gettttemmm here!”

I look close at the guy and he’s got no front teeth - just a crunked out shit eatin grin with two black eyes.

The dream continues and I’m feeling really queasy as I head through the doors of the arena.

Inside the music is screaming over the loud speakers of the public address system. So loud and so strong are the bass notes that again I feel like it takes my breath away … “DURDY DEEDS DUN DURT CHEAP … DURDY DEEDS DUN DURT CHEAP …” I walk through the mezzanine with the adrenaline now coursing through my veins and look down at the ice surface below.

No glass, no fish nets for the crowd’s protection - just from the top of boards to a structure of steel framework that runs all the way across the rink - nothing but chain link fence! Yup, I think, this is gonna be old time hockey. Hockey at its rawest - inside that cage. The teams go in and they can’t come out. It’s the lions den, in the style of ancient Roman gladiators. A fight to the death; where only one man remains skating and his team (in name only - I guess) will hoard the glory as being victors of it all.

That was it again. That’s when I woke up thinking that all this noise in my head was maybe the crowd in that famous cantina down in TJ. I was sweating like crazy I tell ya and this time I could get up to take a pisseroo, cuz I’m home and not in some dab gone holding cell like the last time I had this crazy dream.

I tell the honey about the dream and she tells me, “Jasper I’ve been having crazy dreams too. Maybe this place is haunted. Damn them bones!”

Now she’s not prone to cursing so I better figure out what’s going on and get this resolved. I like this place and I sure the shit ain’t gonna let no haunt run me or the honey out a here.

After takin care of some morning chores I head over to the sheriff’s office to get the latest scoop.

First he tells me that they have identified the bones as being from one adult female and one child female possibly, too, of maybe eight to eleven years old. They think that it might be Oscar Petersen’s wife, Elizabeth but went by Bitty, and daughter, Shelly.

The sheriff said that they had a report from a couple of years back from Shelly’s teacher at the time, Annie Winslow, that Oscar had come in one day and said that they were moving and she wouldn’t be attending class anymore. The report said that Annie was quite suspicious because Oscar had acted really weird - “like a little boy dancing around trying to holding his water and he couldn’t look me in the eye. Wouldn’t say where they were moving to nor how this had come about.”

The sheriff filled me in some more. “We had done some investigating at the time - nothing too deep. Just checked at the bank and down at his office. Bank said he had asked them to transfer all of his funds to a federal bank in Argentina. And his office said that he had been working on a deal down there for about a year with lots of travel back and forth. It had come to fruition and he was transferred there to set up an office. Seemed ok at the time.”

“Well, in the last week we went back to his local office and chatted with his previous co-workers some more. Several of them said that they thought he had hooked up with a hot hoochie while he was on his trips. I won’t go into the details on that. But we quizzed some of Bitty’s friends and neighbors and none of them had ever been told that they were going to move. It was a real surprize when they just up and disappeared. Most knew that Oscar had been traveling to South America but that was about it.”

While we were chewing the shit a fax came into the sheriff’s office. He let me see it. It was from CODIS and confirmed that the bones were Bitty’s and Shelly’s.

Sheesh! Murdered bodies right there on my property. I figure that they’ll have to work up evidence and shit and then extradite Oscar’s sorry ass back up here to the back woods for a trial and all.

“But dab gone, when can ya free up my basement?” I asked.

“I’ll tell ya Wheats. We might have to continue excavating for a while now looking for additional evidence. I’ve got to get someone out there to shore up that side a your cabin ‘cuz I think were going to have to dig that whole side out and sift through it all. Still looking for a couple of slugs and the weapon and anything else. Were gonna need to interview you and your missus pretty heavy too about what ya can remember about the place at the time ya moved in. You guys might want to think about stayin with someone for a while cuz it’s gonna be messy out there at your place. Maybe through Christmas time.”

“Well ain’t that horseshit! I ain’t stayin somewhere else. It’s bad enough that I’m outta town so much as it is. The honey might want to stay with her sister for a while. She thinks the place might be haunted. You guys … get your shit done as quick as you can so we can get on with our lives, ehh.”

He says, “Yeah Jasper we will. Now you go on and skate hard ehh. And walk with a little wood if ya can.”

The man’s all heart I know - got a tough job a head a him.

Later dudes!

Wheats here. Keep your head up. Leave em dangling and work the corners. Walk with big wood and skate hard always!

BONES TWO

Jeepers creeps if my hairy old ass ain’t itchin right now. Makes ya wonder if the cheap toilet paper I buy is doing it’s job, ehh. Could be the scortchin hot sauce that I had on my burrito last night is burning twice ya know. Or it could be bloody hemorrhoids. Who knows? Shit, ya can’t very well bend over and take a gander at your own bung hole, ya know, to diagnose the problem.

Other then that I feel like I must be walking with wood, short legged gimp and all. That weekly routine of getting to come home for the weekend is some good shit and sure makes the whole world look a little rosier, ehh. Thank God for my sweetie!

Those guys a mine on Norris’ Nightmare have been doing well. I’ll run the bench for a game tonight - just gotta control my temper over bad calls. Hockey officials can just drive me nuts - guess that’s why we pay em. I couldn’t ever do officiating myself cuz I just end up getting to fucking biased. And I tend to cuss back when I get cussed at.

To get on with the business at hand, I’m sure that just a shit load a ya readers want to know what’s up with them bones that I figure Tidwilly dug up out a my basement excavation, ehh.

There’s some more to this that I gotta fill ya in on then.

After me and Stinky had spotted those various bones in our dirt pile, I believe I told ya that we kinda looked around for some more of them down there in the dark. We didn’t come across anything on our first examination. I called the authorities and the sheriff came out with the county coroner. We don’t have no CSI types around here and Jonathon Flagg, one of the vets in the area, has been assigned the job as coroner.

I had coached him in youth hockey bantams and midgets. Was sort of a solid kid but spoiled rotten cuz his dad was a rich-ass surgeon or something down in the cities. Didn’t stick to the game though, figure that he had too many other things on his plate. I remember that he had a nice looking older sister back then with big old perky tits. Seems as I recall that she tried to hit on me at a club picnic once - telling me she was eighteen already. Wasn’t buying that crap - jail bait is jail time. Nasty! ……. Nasty all the way to the bank!

So the sheriff and Flagg snag up that skull and the other bones and poked around a bit. Quizzed me only, cuz Stinky had split and the honey was off to the Food Fair. Didn’t mention to them that Stinky’d been helping me dig and didn’t mention that I hadn’t actually dug up the bones myself. Wasn’t about to tell them that I thought Tidwilly and the Wanker boys had actually pulled em outta the ground. Don’t need those delinky dead beats stirring up shit with me later. I wouldn’t put it past them to take pot shots at me or the honey or trying to fuck up any of my hockey buds in retribution.

They said that they’d file the legal reports and crap and would come back in couple of days to give me a copy. I signed their forms and asked em if they had any ideas.
Flagg didn’t say shit. He just had this damn pained-ass look on his face like he was armpit deep inside some cow’s uterus trying to turn a breech or something. Never could understand why anybody would want to be a vet for the farming biz.

But the sheriff scratched his balding head and asked, “Wheats, how long ya lived out here?”
I told him that I’d only bought the place a couple a years ago. The property had been Sven Petersen’s and his kid had had it sub-divided into 20 acre parcels. This one he had built the cabin on intending to live up here during the fall and winter for a hunting and ice fishing resort sorta place. I guess his job had become a bit more enticing and had actually moved on down to Argentina. He put all the parcels up for sale through an agent over in Pudnap and that’s how I’d come to own the place.

The sheriff goes, “Uh huh. Petersen, ehh? Would that be Hank or the younger one Oscar?”
I told him that it had been Oscar.

“Oscar, ehh?” He looked back at the cabin and spat some chew over that direction. “Did Oscar ever come out to sign papers or anything? Did ya get to see him back then?”

“Nah, his agent handled all the shit.”

“Alright then. Me and Flagg are heading back to town but I’ll get back with ya in couple a days.”
I told him that I’d be outta town and that I’d appreciate it if he’d hold off until next weekend. Didn’t want him dealin with the honey. Or he could call me on my cell phone to fill me in. I gave him the number.

I figured that was enough excitement for the day and headed back down to do some more digging. Regardless of the bones I wanted to get this basement done. There was still so much more to do and I want to get it closed off to the dirt before full-on winter sets in. That way I’ll be able to do the finish work through the season. Damn, its gonna be just a fine place to hang out and have some good times with the guys!

So I worked at it without Stinky’s help until around 5:00 pm. He said that he’d come by on Sunday afternoon to help out which was fine with me.

After digging and hauling dirt out for around five hours I got cleaned up and headed over to the rink for the Nightmare’s game. The guys put one away for me winning 5 to 2 over the Red River Roundheads. Nice!

After the game we went down to the pub and closed the place as usual. Must a been raining during the whole time cuz the road was a real mess when I was heading home. Sure glad it wasn’t snow yet. Wouldn’t been able to get home if it had been, figurin the way it was coming down.

Rained all night long and must of let up sometime in the morning. That is such a sweet sound in the cabin - heavy rain muffled by the log structure.

We slept in ‘til around noon and just had my first mug a coffee and some toast by the time Stinky showed. Had him come in for some coffee and to fill him in on the sheriff’s visit before we went at the digging again.

Afterwards we headed around back where the cut in was for the outside entrance to the basement.

Aw fuck!

The whole damn place was flooded. Stinky gave it a quick look and said he’d go get a gasoline powered pump that he had in the yard.

“We’ll have it emptied out in no time, Jasper.”

While he was gone I grabbed an old Sherwood and probed the depths with it. Damn if it wasn’t about four feet deep down there. It must-a really rained, ehh?

Shit! I thought I had this figured out so that the drainage would flow away from the cabin. What was the deal with this?

Then I noticed that our diggings were piled right over the gully on the west side and about six or seven acres of drainage had been diverted right into the basement. I had planned to spread this over a low area off to the north side of the drive but hadn’t done it yet.

While Stinky was gone I rigged up the snow plow on my little Ford tractor and started moving the pile and spreading the dirt over where I wanted it.

Mr. Stinky Duvall got back with the pump and we fired it up and drank some more coffee with ham and cheese sandwiches while it did its job.

Then we got back at it but what a sloppy mess that was. Every step we took sounded like someone was plunging a backed up toidy. And oh gosh was that mud heavy and all clingin to our shovels and boots. Both of us were trying to size out the far corners. Yup - that’s how far along we are. And then we close off the middle, dig the edge footings, rough in the plumbing, pour the slab and footings, and start standing the block for the walls. Yes sirree! We’ve come a long ways.

As I’m running out a wheelbarrow full of good north woods earth the wheel dug in and tipped the load sideways at the future doorway. Besides dumping the load, the side of the wheelbarrow caused the wall alongside a the entrance to cave a bit into the undercut that was caused by the runoff into the basement.

And there, just barely visible in the dimmed light was another skull almost glowing compared to the blackness of the wet dirt. I called Stinky over and we both looked at it not daring to remove it from the earthen wall.

“Jasper, that one’s a lot smaller then the first one. And I think there’s a hole that ain’t ‘sposed to be there.”

I grabbed one of our lights and moved up closer for a better examination. Shitski, shmitski!
Damn, it must be a kid’s skull and there was an extra opening that wasn’t supposed to be there, as far as I knew, anyway.

“I better call the sheriff again. You going to stick around? I guess we’re done for the day again. Ya think that‘s a damn bullet hole, ehh?”

Stinky agreed but said that he’d better scoot. Didn’t want to be around for the sheriff again - got his reasons.

Later on the sheriff and a couple of his deputies showed up with shovels, plastic bags and other paraphernalia that I’d never seen before. They put up some yellow police investigation tape and said that my basement was off limits until they can figure out what the hell was going on - looked like a crime scene now. Sort of hinted that it might have something to do with the Petersen clan.

I’m just going to have to wait to find out what the deal is with these two skulls and the assortment of bones that have been unearthed. And it looks like the basement is going to be delayed for a while.

But I’ve got hockey. Damn glad that it’s my season right now. Damn glad for my LA Kings. If ya look at today’s standings for the Pacific Division you’ll see them tied for last place with only fourteen points. Hah! But you’ll also notice that all five teams in the division only have seven wins. And between all five of them, they have lost either seven or eight games each. Anaheim’s listed in first place but has three more points then the Kings due to overtime losses only. That means that the Kings have three games in hand. To me, that’s three opportunities to pull ahead of the whole pack a losers, ehh.

That’s why, never-no-mind about the delay of the basement and the issue with the skulls and bones that were found there that I’m still a damn happy camper.

So you guys gotta hang with me ehh? Maybe you’re local skate shop will have a sale on some decent wooden Sherwoods or maybe your teams will win a couple in a row. No point in gettin all fussed up over things ya can’t control, ehh.

Just remember that ya gotta skate hard and walk with wood every chance ya get.

ALRIGHT ALREADY

Good grief, there are so many stupid shits in this world! I can’t even believe it.

You know as well as I do that we set our clocks back last night. Its never made a bit a sense to me. The cows still need to get milked at the same time regardless of whether it’s day light savings time or not. They don’t have a clue, but I’ll tell ya that if ya forget to milk them at the right time they sure for shit will let ya know. And the damn rooster will crow around the crack of dawn every ding-dang day of the year. He doesn’t give a shit if its 6:00 am or 7:00 am or even if its 6:07 am. Doesn’t matter a little bit to him, ehh.

So we’ve been instructed to reset our clocks. Yup, we’re supposed to fall back. Well dad-burn if I didn’t fall back right on my ass. How about you?

The thing that cracks me up though are the excuses that I heard this morning at the Norris’ Nightmare’s practice. I had not one but three skaters show up over fifteen minutes late and all three of them used the excuse that they forgot to reset their clocks.

Give me a fuckin break!

Damn if ya forgot to reset your clock then ya should a been here an hour early, ehh. Where’d they leave their damn noodles at? I’m sure that they’re going to be right on time to watch the Colts vs. New England game ehh. Fuckin NFL. Its hockey season now - you guys have got to get your time schedules right on track or get off the train, ehh.

I ain’t got time for these excuses. Those guys did extra blue line drills and a shit load a pushups.

Damn they pissed me off.

And ya know that tonight for the Outlaws game we’ll have the same lame ass excuses from a couple a the guys. Course it won’t be the same anymore without Woody. He’s done moved on to the East Coast somewhere. We’ll miss him dearly, both on the ice and at the bar.

Sheeesh! Anybody been watching my LA Kings? A couple of times now I’ve seen them at the top of their division. Unfortunately they lost to the Sharks last night. It was a home and home split over Friday and Saturday nights. Damn they’d be a hot team if they could get their goals against down, ehh.

How’s you guys’ teams been doing?

Then there are those Staal brothers, ehh? I’ll tell ya that its gotta be some shit when they play against each other. I’m damn glad that during real competition that both a my brothers, Jingles and Bronzy, have always been on the same team with me. Of course I’ve played against both of them in pickup and practices -- and it wasn’t always nice. Bronzy split my lower lip completely in half once and Jingles checks like a high speed bulldozer - ouch! I gotta catch those games when the Staals go head to head. It’ll be some good stuff!

Shit, you guys, I don’t have much else to write about this week.

I gotta pack pretty soon to hop the train tomorrow morning for my real job. Its some good shit - pays the bills - and the people I work with are some good folks. They come from all over the place; like Thunder Bay, Omaha, Ohio, Indiana and even San Francisco. Hope the train is on time and it doesn’t run into anything. Crap in the last month, on the tracks by the cabin, the durn train has killed three people that were probably stoned out their minds and also clobbered a couple a cars. Scares me a little bit, ehh.

Hey you guys should try to send me some emails cuz after work there ain’t much to do and I could use the external contact while out of town. Talk to the honey a couple, three times a day but not much else going on ‘cept TV and reading until I hit the sack.

So alright already. You guys gotta skate hard and walk with wood!

Jasper here until next time.