HEROES 01.22.07

With apologies to all – I missed the All Star Game this past week so there ain’t shit I can write about it. I had to meet with my new employer and damn if the boss don’t really run your life. Can’t get signing bonuses or incentive clauses without them and the agents ehh? I did catch most of the skills competition the night before. Nice to see the big guy having the quickest little dinger. I really wonder how Bobby Hull would have looked like compared to our current ice heroes.

Speaking of heroes did you guys see NBC’s show Heroes this past week? I’m a big fan and it’s listed as one of my fav shows back at myspace.com. I’m into this weird kind of comic book style drama where the characters can have some kind of super or supernatural power or gift. Reminds ya of gettin in the zone and havin a good night on the ice. Smokin! Yeah, walking with wood feels so good.

Well here we go. I’m going to do a parody of the January 22, 2007 episode. I’m doing it as if its one of Jasper’s dreams and as we all know, dreams are all screwed up and have no real continuity. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sheeeeeet man, enjoy!

HEROES 01.22.07

There’s a story going around about one of Cheevers’ sacred goalie sticks being found years ago frozen in the snow somewhere up in the great north. The dude had been feared by all of Canada in his day… coming out after ya when ya came in on him on a breakaway. And swingin that stick at ya after he made the save. Could really scare the shit outta ya. They say they found it up near Lake Ramsey out of Sudburry in Ontario.

Some shit hole ref named Skyler had something to do with. Seems as though they say he had locked it away in a secret room. I think I’ve seen the place though and it ain’t no secret room, I think it’s the equipment room or broom closet at the back of our locker room in Bay City. You know opposite the showers. There’s always a trash can in front of it that’s full of tape balls and empties. You really never notice the door.

But Skyler’s one bad ass. When it comes to refs he just sort of the silent type. Like any other he just does his job, makes the calls, blows his whistle, collects his cash from the league at the end of the game. If it’s his last game of the night he might pound some with us in the bar after. But on the ice when he makes his call and sends ya to the box – he just looks at ya …… and ya know that damn bald head is sweatin under his helmet too, and ya kind of have a brain fart and want to forget all. No point arguing with him he just will add on more minutes.

So guys, I’m now out on the ice during warm up. Just skating, stretching, trying to get loose but tight. I yell at Jingles to blind side me so that I can get my adrenalin cooking ya know. Us old guys need as much help as possible getting lit before a game. So I’m skating making some tight cuts to test my edges and I hear some tang up in the stands yell, “Well you can blow the Star Spangled Banner out of my ass! Go home Matt, were done.”

I see Matt coming up behind me. He skates for the wad wackin Rhino Room Wreckers that we’re playing tonight. I slow down and he catches up. I pull my best Dr. Phil and say to him, “Good luck with that.” His response, typical, “F-you ass hole.” Oh, the game is on!

Cheer leader … body snatch

What the f was that?????

Sometimes I just can’t remember a lot of things but it seems as though I skate over to the bench and take a toke from my water bottle. This was some holy shit. I had collected some of the water from when the Garden had melted down and this stuff was some umpteenth generation on that. Kinda like your grandma’s sour dough starter. I figure that it gives me good luck.

I’m fadin in and out now. The games gotta be going on. I get a penalty. Nah it ain’t two minutes, ain’t a double, aint five for fighting, shit ain’t even a game misconduct. Gol-damn if I don’t get the DEATH PENALTY! Yipes – what the hell’s goin on here?

Now I’m with my bud Hiko. I think he’s Korean or maybe Japanese but I know that he came down from Hibbing. Good “D” but it always looked like he was skatin on his ankles with loose skates and all – pretty shifty. So we’re looking for “it” and Hiko says “It looks like a dipstick.” I tell him he’s a lame-o and that it ain’t no dip stick, it’s a hockey stick. I think we’re in the hockey hall of fame or maybe it’s the hacker hall of fame. I don’t know for sure but there’s a lot of edgy stuff on display.

But we find what we’re looking for.

Hiko says, “That ain’t no snow suit.”

“Shit no. That’s Cheevers’ gear.” But it’s in some kinda glass display case like it was the Stanley Cup or something.

I pull out my water bottle take a tote and tell Hiko “Our life of legend begins.” The water’s magic kicks in and I’m in the zone. Time slows down for everyone but me and I open the case and snag Cheevers’ stick. We’re out of here.

Out in the parking lot now. Climbing over snow banks and buried cars we get to a safe place to examine the stick. I check it out. Crap! It ain’t even a whole stick. And it ain’t even wood. It’s a stinkin Easton! Holy smokes Batman! I flip it over and see that it says, “Replica provided by Lidstrom.” Vegas Schmegas we’re going to Hockey Town USA. Detroit ain’t bad but if ya want chicks ya gotta cross over to Windsor for the tang. Our journey was ahead of us. We had to find Cheevers’ original wood.

Hiko’s getting a chill now and whips it out to take a piss. It steams in the snow. A yellow drizzle of color and stench. I tell him that that’s a real work of art. Maybe his piss picture could predict our future. Maybe not – its all too unreal.

Dream jump again ……

We’re in a clinic or something and I tell Hiko that he looks healthy.

Jump again …….

Texas I think. But it’s cold. The North Pole’s shifted and the hell with global warming. Hiko say’s that he’s clean and doesn’t need drugs anymore. He can piss a good picture without them.

I shut my eyes and I space out a little bit. I see him exploding. I hear someone say “Peter …. He’s the cause of the explosion.” But no, it wasn’t Peter, it was Hiko folks.

Jump again ……..

Make the save, win the game. Am I reading Cheevers’ mind??????? Every time I hear that in my head I start thinking about cheerleaders afterwards. But nothing in my life has been real. Everything was a lie.

Oh crap. Its Skyler again. I’m begging him to give Hiko back his memory.

My gift? Yeah it’s in a bottle. I’m my own private freak show.

Make the save, win the game. That cheerleader again. Maybe the team needs cheerleaders. Yeah that’s it. Tight sweaters, hard bodies, short plaid skirts with colored panties underneath that said things on them. Like “Bite Me” or “U Guys Suck” so that when they bent over in front of the other team they’ let em have it.

What’s going on here? Mind melt or something.

So I, Jasper Wheats, can jump back and forth in time and space. Crazy. It’s just a dream. Its like Crosby and Howe skatin on the same line. I can handle this. Gotta just keep remembering walking with wood feels so good. Just gotta keep it down.

I got the power, you got the power, maybe he got the power too.

So it’s just me and Cheevers now. He’s telling me, “You, me, the video camera. Just keep the camera on me. I know you can keep a secret. I want you to see what I was. I want the team to know.” He skates out to the net and does a bit of stretches and scrapes to rough up the ice. I look out at the blue line and … Woe! … looks like all of the Outlaws lined up out in a semi-circle getting ready for the machine gun drill. I look back at Cheevers and he’s shy of all of his gear. What the f? He’s just in his long johns – no skates, no stick, no blocker – nothing! I’m thinking that all of his shit must all be back in the museum. I look back at Cheevers and he turns to face the net for a second then grabs something redish colored from the top of the net. Oh shit. It’s the cheerleader’s red plaid skirt. He turns back to the boys, dancing lightly on his feet cuz their startin to freeze, and tucks the teenie little skirt into the top of his long johns and with a shit eating grin he yells “Red Zone guys!” I swear that piece of red skirt that was hangin out of his long johns was smaller then his goalie cup if he’d had it on. Now I still had the camera running but I felt like I was missin it. A chance to bust a guy open and I ain’t holdin wood … just this camera. Whatttt??? So he yells again. “Not one at a time. Not alternating sides. But I want it all at once when I say three.”

He makes the count and its sounds like a barn coming apart from a northeast bound twister after he says “Three.” The camera’s getting this as I was focused on him. He must have been hit with at least ten or twelve of the shots. A couple hit the skirt. I figure it was Jingles that creased his skull – never could keep his shot down. That wasn’t just a dent, that was a crushed skull. He went down like a sack of bricks. Blood was flowing pretty good. Pretty much reminded me of Clint Eastwood in The Gauntlet.

The guys were mysteriously gone now as I ran out onto the ice with the camera still filming. Felt like an equipment manager sliding out to fix up a guy in a televised game but there was no one there to help me keep my balance. Cheevers is still down as I get there. No noise, no nothing – I figure he’s gotta be dead.

Then I hear a little moan as he’s laying there in a pool of congealing, freezing blood. There’s gotta be about seven gashes besides the crushed skull (Jingles … I’m thinking … you asshole). He moves a bit then grabs one of the pipes and starts to prop himself up. I’m thinking I better help him, but before I can put the camera down he pulls a Bruce Lee and pops up to standing. Before me (and the camera) he starts to mend. The gashes close up and his skull pops back out with a sound like a Coors can opening.

Oh shit. I’m shaking now. Wonder why I didn’t wake up at this point. Maybe I better visit a psych ward after I wake up.

Hico shows up again. Carrying his suitcase. Its got like two million bucks in it and he’s getting ready to hand it over to Lidstrom’s agent. He said it was his signing bonus that he had reneg’d on. The agent takes and says to both of us that the debt ain’t paid in full. We’d always owe Lidstrom. Gad what’s he want? Am I going to end up being a stick caddy or something for the rest of my life. He needs me I guess.

Dream jump again ……

It’s a honey. Maybe one of the cheerleaders. Can’t really tell at first. Ah yup. It’s the tall one. Nasty uh huh. But she’s got some split personality or something. I remember thinking that Nicks had said that she had hit on him pretty good one night and then when he was getting ready to go for the gusto she tells him that she ain’t that kind of girl. Talk about doing a flip-flop. So she’s been out on the ice doing some cheers and bending over showing her derogatory ass to the Rhino Room Wreckers. That jackass Matt jumps over the boards and goes at her. Slides her straight across the ice and slams her pouty little face into the glass in front of the penalty box where I’m still sitting serving my death penalty. Man it was ugly to have something that cute get all washed along the boards. But she was special. Had her kid with her that night. Man did he want to be a hero and play for the Outlaws when he got older. But it really hurt him to see his mom trashed like that.

So now its time to figure out who’s on the roster. How many heroes are there? If we could just gel then I’m sure we could make a difference. Maybe take league this year. Who knows. There’s gotta be more out there like us; that have what it takes to be an Outlaw. But each of us has so many problems that hold us back from being are best. Look at Hico. He showed up at home the other night and his old lady’s got a suitcase out. Said she got it out that morning to pack and then leave him but couldn’t put a damn thing in it. He nearly had a breakdown and had to explain some to her how he could read her mind and all. Some bulllshit that was when he tried to prove it to her by asking her to pick a number exclusive between one and three. But they stayed tight. Ya gotta stay tight with the things around ya or else ya bring it to your game. Staying tight with team says ya gotta stay tight with your life.

Maybe Madison Square Garden melts down. Maybe all of New York City blows up. Even Hico with all his damn piss paintings can’t paint the future. And Cheevers can’t see everybody if we don’t clear em out from in front of the net. He’ll need his stick back to move forward. We need his stick back. The first snow melt will bring an impossible change. We’ll have new friends from the internet to feel safe with as they laugh along and wonder: Does the earth shutter under my skates?

Make the save, win the game (damn there’s that cheerleader again – and I’m trying to be so serious).

Skate hard guys!

Walking with wood feels so good!