Sunday, April 22, 2007

Flows-A-Lot

Yup, I’ve been watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs now for a week or so and we’ve got most of the first round wound up. Detroit and Calgary are yet to play this evening and I’m going to cheer for the Wings. Why? Well, mainly for Chelios – he’s one of my heroes! The dude is forty-five, I think. That’s really saying something for an athlete to be performing at this level at his age. Dab-nab-it! He even got a goal yesterday. He’s been walking with wood for a heck of a long time!

So have you guys been watching the games too? Whad’ya think of the commercials? I still want the Dodge Caliber commercial back with the red headed fairy. Some hotty, ehh?

I’m thinking of one of the more recent commercials that shows some older guys riding bikes and canoeing together. In one of the scenes you see one of the guys coming out of a public restroom. Do you know which ad I’m thinking of?

They’re advertising a medication for men and their little walnut sized pumping gland – the prostate. They’re talking about the Big C and inflammation and slow flow, etc etc………. They don’t bother to mention the old latex gloved finger and KY’d up the old poop shoot to check on things. But brothers, when ya get older its something you can look forward to. Yeah laugh out loud on that one kids.

I’ve got a medication that I take that I’ll call Flows-A-Lot. Ladies – you know which one I mean – it keeps ya from getting bloated. These little pills make ya piss like a race horse. I take it, cuz I’m an old fart, to keep my blood pressure down. The theory of it is that if you don’t have a lot a fluid in your system then you won’t have as high of blood pressure if you did.

But Flows-A-Lot is a hockey player’s calamity and I only take it in the morning.

Here’s my pre-game ritual:

1) Come home from work and eat a light dinner
2) Take a pre-game nap
3) Get up from nap and take a piss and maybe a dump
4) Take two aspirins preparing for the later pain I know I’m going to have
5) Pack my gear bag and grab my sticks
6) Drive to the rink
7) Throw gear in the dressing room
8) Get a coffee, double sugar, from the vending machine to pump me up
9) Drink coffee along the boards while watching some of the game that proceeds mine
10) Back to the dressing room
11) Take a piss
12) Start taking off street clothes and suiting up
a. Socks
b. Jock strap
c. Long johns
d. Elastic stretch shorts
e. T-shirt
f. Cup
g. Shin pads
h. Garter belt and uniform socks
i. Breezers
j. Skates
k. Tape-up shin pads
l. Shoulder pads
m. Elbow Pads
n. Jersey
o. Helmet
13) Get out to the bench and wait for the Zamboni to get done
14) Stretch
15) Get on the ice and warm up
16) Go take a piss again before the game starts – damn that coffee and the Flows-A-Lot

So what/s wrong with this picture, ehh?

Well, if ya haven’t been there then let me explain it to you. Flows-A-Lot makes ya damn uncomfortable if ya don’t relieve yourself when its time to go. And if ya didn’t catch on from the list above, there are a total of seven different things in the way of whipping your wang-dang-doodle out to get the job done.

Here’s what ya gotta do to get there:
1) Lift your jersey outta the way
2) Push your breezers down
3) Undo the Velcro on your garter belt
4) Push the cup down
5) Push the elastic shorts outta the way
6) The same with the long johns
7) And the same with the jock strap
8) Grab your wang-dang-doodle and stretch if for all its worth or ya gonna piss all over everything

It’s a real mess. I’m telling you guys it ain’t no fun getting old and having to take Flows-A-Lot. Sure hope Chelios hasn’t had to start taking this shit yet.

Skate hard!

Keep walking with wood ………….

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