Apres Thanksgiving
Jasper here - just sittin around the fire, the honey and me, enjoying the end of a fine four day weekend. Our Thanksgiving was great, stuffed myself like a durn fool and crashed out way to early for a man of my young age. One of my nephews on my honey’s side of the family had us over where his wife and her mom put together one heck of a nice meal. Turkey, ham, spuds, dressing, beans, dinner rolls, pies and cookies with ice cream and wine. Could a had brews but no one else was drinkin them so I stuck with the beverage of the evening.
I collected a mess a deadfall during the summer - ya know just a random assortment of hardwoods and pines - and split it up for the winter nights. Feels purty good to have the heat from the fireplace warming your soul. Sure brings back so many great memories of sittin around the campfire, drinkin brews and shootin the shit on all those fishing trips with buds before I met my honey. Course her and me have done our share of some damn fine enjoyable camping together too. Just really like sitting by the fire as ya let it burn down to just coals before crashing and looking up at the stars and wondering about the immensity of our universe.
Speaking of that, have any of ya seen that new comet that exploded? I’ve spotted it twice so far. From my local at about 9:00 pm its maybe 10 to 15 degrees north and 5 to 10 degrees east of my zenith (that means directly overhead for you dim wits out there). It’s looks like a small circular cloudy spot fairly near a yellowish star. I read somewhere that after it exploded it became larger then our sun making it the largest celestial body in our solar system. Of course it is so damn far away right now that you’d never know it, ehh.
Pretty cool stuff, that astronomy and sky watchin. I keep hopin that I’ll get to see a flying saucer, maybe, before I die. I just know that there is other intelligent life out there. The Good Lord didn’t just create his kind here on this planet, I figure.
I remember one time I got so caught up in star gazing around a dying campfire that I munched up a whole box of cinnamon graham crackers all by my lonesome. I’ll tell you, you guys, that is not something that ya want to do when you’re out camping away from civil facilities. Damn if I didn’t get the worst case a the shits that I can ever remember. If ya don’t believe me then you go eat a whole family size bag of teddy grahams all by yourself and see what happens.
Hey, I just wanted to say “Hi!” to all my friends over at myspace.com. You’re all good puck heads, ehh! Dudes and dudettes just living for the best sport in the world …. hockey. You guys have gotta just keep on skating hard and walk with wood when ya can. Ok?
Some a ya are probably still wondering about the continued activities involved with those bones that were found while hand excavating my basement, ehh. The sheriff still has it cordoned off and they braced up the end wall of the cabin like he said they would. We haven’t moved out cuz most a the work they do is during daylight hours and me and the honey are away that time a the day anyway. We’re both still having our weird-ass dreams or nightmares though. Shit, them puppies might never stop happening.
The sheriff and the county have put a pretty strong case together so far against Mr. Oscar Pederson. I guess that they’re going to try to extradite him from Argentina with the help of federal authorities. I’m wondering if they would take me on as a short little lopsided sheriff’s deputy. If they’d bring me on board to bring him back in, tear him away from that little hoochie mama down there, and hold him in the local pokie here I’d just be bejiggered with joy to do it. Shit howdy! Maybe I could get in a little side trip to cast a fly for some a those trophy browns that they got down there around Patagonia. Wouldn’t that be something, ehh, you guys?
As I know more - I’ll tell ya more. No secrets and no bull shit here, ehh.
Thanksgiving is over and that means we’re on the home stretch to Christmas. I gotta tell ya I went out and did some shopping early Friday morning. Nah, I ain’t no fool spending all day doing early Christmas shopping. Just needed some things for myself. Saw that K-Mart had flannels on sale for six bucks. Shit ya can’t beat that, ehh. So I headed over at 6:00 am and got four extra-large ones before they sold out. Already, that early in the morning, what a nut house that place was. Yup, I figure that these guys are going to shrink after washing so I’m just going to wear them as dab-gone long as I can before that happens.
I’ve been thinkin about getting the honey some perfume for Christmas but that went to hell in a hand basket since Thanksgiving night. That night her sister gave her a whole stack of women’s magazines that she’s apparently got subscriptions to and every one of them fashion mag’s has got about five or six perfume ads with them foldover scent page doo-hickies. She just tore those right out and folded each page up and put it separately into individual baggies for future use.
Shit, she’s set for the year, ehh. Now what am I going to do? You guys got any ideas?
I always try to put something together for the county’s children’s center this time a the year. Doesn’t seem to be as many parentless kids over there as there used to be but I still like to do something for them for Christmas. This year I had, what I thought, was a heck of a good idea. I’d make them sock puppets. Shit, I figured, I’ve got just whole slew of old hockey socks that I could use and the honey could help me. So, the night before last, I dug em up. I had some Ranger’s, Bruins, Golden Seals, North Stars, Blues and no-name socks. We ran em through the washer to make sure they were nice and clean. Then we started trying to put them together. Crap, some of these old socks had stirrups but that wasn’t the worst of it. Ya know ya can’t make a decent sock puppet from an open ended sock! Cripes did I feel like one stupid shit. Guess I’ll either have to give these old socks to Stinky or use em as car rags.
Another Christmas idea down the drain, ehh. I’ll have to figure something else out to give these kids.
The fire’s going down, guess I’ll have to stoke it up cuz the night's still young.
Speakin of stokin-up, shit, who lit the fire under my LA Kings last night? They went and beat the San Jose Sharks 2 to 1. Nice! Very, very nice! Its been a while coming. I’d really like to see them turn this season around and quit hanging out in the cellar. And shit, how about that goalie that Gretz picked up from Anaheim for his Coyotes. I think he’s got four wins in a row now. And the Caps are maybe turning it around too as they’ve got two wins in a row for their new interim coach.
You know, I’d just like to see some things spin in the NHL once in a while
Back to the duties of a Thanksgiving four day weekend. I put up Christmas lights today. I got sap on me up to my damn earlobes. Used to be so easy to hang them lights on the house when we lived in town. Now you can’t hardly see the cabin from the road so we light up two trees that we got out at the end of the drive. They’re kinda nice shaped and all so they look real good when I get done, but holy mackerel if them pups weren’t just coated with fresh sap for some un-natural reason. And me too for a while. Had to use turpentine to get most of it off. But like I said these trees look awfully damn nice. Its sure helps that when I had them run power for the cabin that I had them put a 100 amp pedestal out along side the drive. I’ve had to use that for all sorts a shit and it works just fine when ya got ten strings of lights on each tree, ehh.
How about you guys? Did ya have a great Thanksgiving weekend? Keep up traditions from your past? Damn I hope so.
I really wanted to get in some holiday pond hockey like the old days. Just some sweet pickup - three on three would a been fine. But it’s been so mild though so far that we haven’t had a decent freeze - nothings frozen over yet and if this global warming crap is for real then maybe nothing will ever again. Who knows, ehh?
Alrighty, enough for this week. Appreciate all of ya that read this north woods humor that’s been spiced up a bit with hockey and other tidbits of wisdom that ya can … never …. take to the bank.
Keep the snow outta your boots by staying on the shoveled path! Walk with wood and skate hard!
Showing posts with label global warming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label global warming. Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Global Warming II
He don’t know shit about chilly!
I’d been down to the local greasy spoon earlier this week and shot the shit with Big Joe. He’s owns the place and is fry cook, dishwasher and waiter all in one big fat happy package. His hashbrowns and bacon are always crisp, though I’ve gotten some bacon once in a while that tastes a might rancid. I’ll eat it anyway like that – I mean what the fuck it goes down ok and helps unclog the plumbing pretty damn quick. Well crappola folks – when someone else is fixin the meal and entertainin ya besides – it’s sure a damn site better then re-heatin a batch of ludefisk back at the shack.
Big Joe had been a hell of a defenseman in the day. A lotta guys lost there front teeth from his cross checks and wreslin that resulted from their attempts a standin around in the slot. He wasn’t too shifty being so big and all, and never had much of a slap shot. Actually I don’t think he even tried to take a slapshot after he was about sixteen or so. Seems as though one of our coaches really made fun of him for falling down after a shot so he never took one again. But he had this sweeping wrist shot that more times then not floated high and guys would get out the way when they knew he was going to release it. I saw him take one once that just floated right up over the glass. He just was wild that way. Yup but that was back in the day.
Now Big Joe just ladles the grease and chats ya real good. To hang around his place is just a damn good way to spend a morning while you’re waitin for your truck’s engine to warm up. It’s a pretty good place to just get a cup a joe too.
Well like I said I was over ta his place earlier this week and we were not talkin about anything too damn important until he brought up some local gossip. He leans across the counter like he’s got some dangone secret to tell me. He spits a little at me cuz he’s missin his upper two and says “Jasper, that hippy-ass Caliboy, Bobby, ‘sbeen saying that he thinks this is the coldest winter on record.”
Now I’m not sure from the tone of his voice if he’s thinking that this is authorative or what. But I take it as arguin ma-tear-e-l if ya know what I mean.
“Big Joe,” I say, “what the fuck does that damn jack-ass know? You and me, we’ve been livin in the North Woods all our damn lives! He don’t know shit about chilly. Ehh?”
Big Joe pours me some more coffee and says, “Yup. He’s a little soft. He don’t know shit about chilly like you and me do. Right, Jasper?”
I hear some crinkling noise and see that Big Joe is scrounging through the pile of papers over ta the end of the counter. He picks a section up and says “Look this just came earlier,” as he sets it down beside my cup.
It’s a two day old copy of the Star/Tribune (takes a couple of days for things to get to us here in the North Woods) and has a cover story of about 100 inches of snow dumpin up-state
or somethin? What’s the big deal? Some blooie lake effects climatology shit causes that stuff.
“Yeah, so what, ehh? We been colder before this shit. Remember St. Patty’s day in ’67 when the whole fuckin area got snowed in and we were cut off for a week and half. Shit that was a storm and chilly with blizzard conditions for five days straight and no plows or nothin being able to get ta us up here. Ehh? Ya Remember that don’t ya Big Joe?”
“Wheats, I’m telling ya, I just don’t know. I remember that pretty damn well. Yup. That was a storm. I had to crap in a coffee can for a couple a days before I could get the back door open and make a path to the crapper. But I’m wonderin. Remember what ya said earlier about that global warming bullshit and the earth shiftin on its poles? What if we’re going into, ehh, some fuckin ice age or somethin? What if Bobby, ain’t as blooie as we think he is? Maybe you and him is on the same wavelength? Ehh?”
“Oh – Fuck that shit, Big Joe. Ya know the North Woods always gets cold, ehh? I mean, shit, sure we don’t get as cold as
“Wheats, ya get smart on this shit and let me know later, ehh?”
Well we moved on to some other less important talk and my truck finally got warmed up; so I headed on back home and dogged the internet for a bit.
Here’s the scoop. Ya folks out there reading this shit let me know what ya think. Ehh?
Jamie of Duluth says: high of -3 today..whoop whoop...few nights ago was -45 with the wind chill but about -22 normal...eeek!!
Ti the Unperfect from
crisp,cold air like 7 at night 25 during they day- wind chill is 0!
Yeah and I told her: Yah I know how cold that is. Something's crawling up to my throat trying to stay warm and it ain't my hands.
Double-0 of
My response to that shit: Ok - maybe you can describe that with a little less nostalgia and a little more Mainiac humor!
And he rewrote: Well I tell ya what anyhow, it's wicken friggin fridgid up in these goddamm parts, yes sa, god damn ma. Both my knee caps have been a wobblin and crackin off one another like a god damn loose barn board. BEen so cold can't even turn over the friggin skidda, fucken A, Jasper!
Boston Clover of Minneapolis says: its really cold but i went skiing at afton alps today so i think i got frost nip
And I respond to his crappola: Come-on give me something a little crazier. How cold was it????????????? Where'd ya get that frost nip - and don't just say your nose unless it came with a snotsickel.
And Boston Clover responded back: fine its like -17 degrees with wind chill and my cheeks and my nose and no no snotsickle
The strangest little tidbit I picked up though came from a phone call ta one of my business associates in Blackhawk territory. He told me that he had gone outside the other day while it was quite crispy and took one of those deep breaths through the nose that would normally create a tingle in each nostril as your snot froze. Instead he said that his left nostril sucked in and froze shut for about ten seconds. Now ain’t that somethin, ehh?!?!
Well folks, its just Jasper Wheats here, movin on again for bit. Remember: Skate hard, skate often, and continue walking with wood.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
HEROES 01.22.07
With apologies to all – I missed the All Star Game this past week so there ain’t shit I can write about it. I had to meet with my new employer and damn if the boss don’t really run your life. Can’t get signing bonuses or incentive clauses without them and the agents ehh? I did catch most of the skills competition the night before. Nice to see the big guy having the quickest little dinger. I really wonder how Bobby Hull would have looked like compared to our current ice heroes.
Speaking of heroes did you guys see NBC’s show Heroes this past week? I’m a big fan and it’s listed as one of my fav shows back at myspace.com. I’m into this weird kind of comic book style drama where the characters can have some kind of super or supernatural power or gift. Reminds ya of gettin in the zone and havin a good night on the ice. Smokin! Yeah, walking with wood feels so good.
Well here we go. I’m going to do a parody of the January 22, 2007 episode. I’m doing it as if its one of Jasper’s dreams and as we all know, dreams are all screwed up and have no real continuity. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sheeeeeet man, enjoy!
HEROES 01.22.07
There’s a story going around about one of Cheevers’ sacred goalie sticks being found years ago frozen in the snow somewhere up in the great north. The dude had been feared by all of Canada in his day… coming out after ya when ya came in on him on a breakaway. And swingin that stick at ya after he made the save. Could really scare the shit outta ya. They say they found it up near Lake Ramsey out of Sudburry in Ontario.
Some shit hole ref named Skyler had something to do with. Seems as though they say he had locked it away in a secret room. I think I’ve seen the place though and it ain’t no secret room, I think it’s the equipment room or broom closet at the back of our locker room in Bay City. You know opposite the showers. There’s always a trash can in front of it that’s full of tape balls and empties. You really never notice the door.
But Skyler’s one bad ass. When it comes to refs he just sort of the silent type. Like any other he just does his job, makes the calls, blows his whistle, collects his cash from the league at the end of the game. If it’s his last game of the night he might pound some with us in the bar after. But on the ice when he makes his call and sends ya to the box – he just looks at ya …… and ya know that damn bald head is sweatin under his helmet too, and ya kind of have a brain fart and want to forget all. No point arguing with him he just will add on more minutes.
So guys, I’m now out on the ice during warm up. Just skating, stretching, trying to get loose but tight. I yell at Jingles to blind side me so that I can get my adrenalin cooking ya know. Us old guys need as much help as possible getting lit before a game. So I’m skating making some tight cuts to test my edges and I hear some tang up in the stands yell, “Well you can blow the Star Spangled Banner out of my ass! Go home Matt, were done.”
I see Matt coming up behind me. He skates for the wad wackin Rhino Room Wreckers that we’re playing tonight. I slow down and he catches up. I pull my best Dr. Phil and say to him, “Good luck with that.” His response, typical, “F-you ass hole.” Oh, the game is on!
Cheer leader … body snatch
What the f was that?????
Sometimes I just can’t remember a lot of things but it seems as though I skate over to the bench and take a toke from my water bottle. This was some holy shit. I had collected some of the water from when the Garden had melted down and this stuff was some umpteenth generation on that. Kinda like your grandma’s sour dough starter. I figure that it gives me good luck.
I’m fadin in and out now. The games gotta be going on. I get a penalty. Nah it ain’t two minutes, ain’t a double, aint five for fighting, shit ain’t even a game misconduct. Gol-damn if I don’t get the DEATH PENALTY! Yipes – what the hell’s goin on here?
Now I’m with my bud Hiko. I think he’s Korean or maybe Japanese but I know that he came down from Hibbing. Good “D” but it always looked like he was skatin on his ankles with loose skates and all – pretty shifty. So we’re looking for “it” and Hiko says “It looks like a dipstick.” I tell him he’s a lame-o and that it ain’t no dip stick, it’s a hockey stick. I think we’re in the hockey hall of fame or maybe it’s the hacker hall of fame. I don’t know for sure but there’s a lot of edgy stuff on display.
But we find what we’re looking for.
Hiko says, “That ain’t no snow suit.”
“Shit no. That’s Cheevers’ gear.” But it’s in some kinda glass display case like it was the Stanley Cup or something.
I pull out my water bottle take a tote and tell Hiko “Our life of legend begins.” The water’s magic kicks in and I’m in the zone. Time slows down for everyone but me and I open the case and snag Cheevers’ stick. We’re out of here.
Out in the parking lot now. Climbing over snow banks and buried cars we get to a safe place to examine the stick. I check it out. Crap! It ain’t even a whole stick. And it ain’t even wood. It’s a stinkin Easton! Holy smokes Batman! I flip it over and see that it says, “Replica provided by Lidstrom.” Vegas Schmegas we’re going to Hockey Town USA. Detroit ain’t bad but if ya want chicks ya gotta cross over to Windsor for the tang. Our journey was ahead of us. We had to find Cheevers’ original wood.
Hiko’s getting a chill now and whips it out to take a piss. It steams in the snow. A yellow drizzle of color and stench. I tell him that that’s a real work of art. Maybe his piss picture could predict our future. Maybe not – its all too unreal.
Dream jump again ……
We’re in a clinic or something and I tell Hiko that he looks healthy.
Jump again …….
Texas I think. But it’s cold. The North Pole’s shifted and the hell with global warming. Hiko say’s that he’s clean and doesn’t need drugs anymore. He can piss a good picture without them.
I shut my eyes and I space out a little bit. I see him exploding. I hear someone say “Peter …. He’s the cause of the explosion.” But no, it wasn’t Peter, it was Hiko folks.
Jump again ……..
Make the save, win the game. Am I reading Cheevers’ mind??????? Every time I hear that in my head I start thinking about cheerleaders afterwards. But nothing in my life has been real. Everything was a lie.
Oh crap. Its Skyler again. I’m begging him to give Hiko back his memory.
My gift? Yeah it’s in a bottle. I’m my own private freak show.
Make the save, win the game. That cheerleader again. Maybe the team needs cheerleaders. Yeah that’s it. Tight sweaters, hard bodies, short plaid skirts with colored panties underneath that said things on them. Like “Bite Me” or “U Guys Suck” so that when they bent over in front of the other team they’ let em have it.
What’s going on here? Mind melt or something.
So I, Jasper Wheats, can jump back and forth in time and space. Crazy. It’s just a dream. Its like Crosby and Howe skatin on the same line. I can handle this. Gotta just keep remembering walking with wood feels so good. Just gotta keep it down.
I got the power, you got the power, maybe he got the power too.
So it’s just me and Cheevers now. He’s telling me, “You, me, the video camera. Just keep the camera on me. I know you can keep a secret. I want you to see what I was. I want the team to know.” He skates out to the net and does a bit of stretches and scrapes to rough up the ice. I look out at the blue line and … Woe! … looks like all of the Outlaws lined up out in a semi-circle getting ready for the machine gun drill. I look back at Cheevers and he’s shy of all of his gear. What the f? He’s just in his long johns – no skates, no stick, no blocker – nothing! I’m thinking that all of his shit must all be back in the museum. I look back at Cheevers and he turns to face the net for a second then grabs something redish colored from the top of the net. Oh shit. It’s the cheerleader’s red plaid skirt. He turns back to the boys, dancing lightly on his feet cuz their startin to freeze, and tucks the teenie little skirt into the top of his long johns and with a shit eating grin he yells “Red Zone guys!” I swear that piece of red skirt that was hangin out of his long johns was smaller then his goalie cup if he’d had it on. Now I still had the camera running but I felt like I was missin it. A chance to bust a guy open and I ain’t holdin wood … just this camera. Whatttt??? So he yells again. “Not one at a time. Not alternating sides. But I want it all at once when I say three.”
He makes the count and its sounds like a barn coming apart from a northeast bound twister after he says “Three.” The camera’s getting this as I was focused on him. He must have been hit with at least ten or twelve of the shots. A couple hit the skirt. I figure it was Jingles that creased his skull – never could keep his shot down. That wasn’t just a dent, that was a crushed skull. He went down like a sack of bricks. Blood was flowing pretty good. Pretty much reminded me of Clint Eastwood in The Gauntlet.
The guys were mysteriously gone now as I ran out onto the ice with the camera still filming. Felt like an equipment manager sliding out to fix up a guy in a televised game but there was no one there to help me keep my balance. Cheevers is still down as I get there. No noise, no nothing – I figure he’s gotta be dead.
Then I hear a little moan as he’s laying there in a pool of congealing, freezing blood. There’s gotta be about seven gashes besides the crushed skull (Jingles … I’m thinking … you asshole). He moves a bit then grabs one of the pipes and starts to prop himself up. I’m thinking I better help him, but before I can put the camera down he pulls a Bruce Lee and pops up to standing. Before me (and the camera) he starts to mend. The gashes close up and his skull pops back out with a sound like a Coors can opening.
Oh shit. I’m shaking now. Wonder why I didn’t wake up at this point. Maybe I better visit a psych ward after I wake up.
Hico shows up again. Carrying his suitcase. Its got like two million bucks in it and he’s getting ready to hand it over to Lidstrom’s agent. He said it was his signing bonus that he had reneg’d on. The agent takes and says to both of us that the debt ain’t paid in full. We’d always owe Lidstrom. Gad what’s he want? Am I going to end up being a stick caddy or something for the rest of my life. He needs me I guess.
Dream jump again ……
It’s a honey. Maybe one of the cheerleaders. Can’t really tell at first. Ah yup. It’s the tall one. Nasty uh huh. But she’s got some split personality or something. I remember thinking that Nicks had said that she had hit on him pretty good one night and then when he was getting ready to go for the gusto she tells him that she ain’t that kind of girl. Talk about doing a flip-flop. So she’s been out on the ice doing some cheers and bending over showing her derogatory ass to the Rhino Room Wreckers. That jackass Matt jumps over the boards and goes at her. Slides her straight across the ice and slams her pouty little face into the glass in front of the penalty box where I’m still sitting serving my death penalty. Man it was ugly to have something that cute get all washed along the boards. But she was special. Had her kid with her that night. Man did he want to be a hero and play for the Outlaws when he got older. But it really hurt him to see his mom trashed like that.
So now its time to figure out who’s on the roster. How many heroes are there? If we could just gel then I’m sure we could make a difference. Maybe take league this year. Who knows. There’s gotta be more out there like us; that have what it takes to be an Outlaw. But each of us has so many problems that hold us back from being are best. Look at Hico. He showed up at home the other night and his old lady’s got a suitcase out. Said she got it out that morning to pack and then leave him but couldn’t put a damn thing in it. He nearly had a breakdown and had to explain some to her how he could read her mind and all. Some bulllshit that was when he tried to prove it to her by asking her to pick a number exclusive between one and three. But they stayed tight. Ya gotta stay tight with the things around ya or else ya bring it to your game. Staying tight with team says ya gotta stay tight with your life.
Maybe Madison Square Garden melts down. Maybe all of New York City blows up. Even Hico with all his damn piss paintings can’t paint the future. And Cheevers can’t see everybody if we don’t clear em out from in front of the net. He’ll need his stick back to move forward. We need his stick back. The first snow melt will bring an impossible change. We’ll have new friends from the internet to feel safe with as they laugh along and wonder: Does the earth shutter under my skates?
Make the save, win the game (damn there’s that cheerleader again – and I’m trying to be so serious).
Skate hard guys!
Walking with wood feels so good!
Speaking of heroes did you guys see NBC’s show Heroes this past week? I’m a big fan and it’s listed as one of my fav shows back at myspace.com. I’m into this weird kind of comic book style drama where the characters can have some kind of super or supernatural power or gift. Reminds ya of gettin in the zone and havin a good night on the ice. Smokin! Yeah, walking with wood feels so good.
Well here we go. I’m going to do a parody of the January 22, 2007 episode. I’m doing it as if its one of Jasper’s dreams and as we all know, dreams are all screwed up and have no real continuity. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Sheeeeeet man, enjoy!
HEROES 01.22.07
There’s a story going around about one of Cheevers’ sacred goalie sticks being found years ago frozen in the snow somewhere up in the great north. The dude had been feared by all of Canada in his day… coming out after ya when ya came in on him on a breakaway. And swingin that stick at ya after he made the save. Could really scare the shit outta ya. They say they found it up near Lake Ramsey out of Sudburry in Ontario.
Some shit hole ref named Skyler had something to do with. Seems as though they say he had locked it away in a secret room. I think I’ve seen the place though and it ain’t no secret room, I think it’s the equipment room or broom closet at the back of our locker room in Bay City. You know opposite the showers. There’s always a trash can in front of it that’s full of tape balls and empties. You really never notice the door.
But Skyler’s one bad ass. When it comes to refs he just sort of the silent type. Like any other he just does his job, makes the calls, blows his whistle, collects his cash from the league at the end of the game. If it’s his last game of the night he might pound some with us in the bar after. But on the ice when he makes his call and sends ya to the box – he just looks at ya …… and ya know that damn bald head is sweatin under his helmet too, and ya kind of have a brain fart and want to forget all. No point arguing with him he just will add on more minutes.
So guys, I’m now out on the ice during warm up. Just skating, stretching, trying to get loose but tight. I yell at Jingles to blind side me so that I can get my adrenalin cooking ya know. Us old guys need as much help as possible getting lit before a game. So I’m skating making some tight cuts to test my edges and I hear some tang up in the stands yell, “Well you can blow the Star Spangled Banner out of my ass! Go home Matt, were done.”
I see Matt coming up behind me. He skates for the wad wackin Rhino Room Wreckers that we’re playing tonight. I slow down and he catches up. I pull my best Dr. Phil and say to him, “Good luck with that.” His response, typical, “F-you ass hole.” Oh, the game is on!
Cheer leader … body snatch
What the f was that?????
Sometimes I just can’t remember a lot of things but it seems as though I skate over to the bench and take a toke from my water bottle. This was some holy shit. I had collected some of the water from when the Garden had melted down and this stuff was some umpteenth generation on that. Kinda like your grandma’s sour dough starter. I figure that it gives me good luck.
I’m fadin in and out now. The games gotta be going on. I get a penalty. Nah it ain’t two minutes, ain’t a double, aint five for fighting, shit ain’t even a game misconduct. Gol-damn if I don’t get the DEATH PENALTY! Yipes – what the hell’s goin on here?
Now I’m with my bud Hiko. I think he’s Korean or maybe Japanese but I know that he came down from Hibbing. Good “D” but it always looked like he was skatin on his ankles with loose skates and all – pretty shifty. So we’re looking for “it” and Hiko says “It looks like a dipstick.” I tell him he’s a lame-o and that it ain’t no dip stick, it’s a hockey stick. I think we’re in the hockey hall of fame or maybe it’s the hacker hall of fame. I don’t know for sure but there’s a lot of edgy stuff on display.
But we find what we’re looking for.
Hiko says, “That ain’t no snow suit.”
“Shit no. That’s Cheevers’ gear.” But it’s in some kinda glass display case like it was the Stanley Cup or something.
I pull out my water bottle take a tote and tell Hiko “Our life of legend begins.” The water’s magic kicks in and I’m in the zone. Time slows down for everyone but me and I open the case and snag Cheevers’ stick. We’re out of here.
Out in the parking lot now. Climbing over snow banks and buried cars we get to a safe place to examine the stick. I check it out. Crap! It ain’t even a whole stick. And it ain’t even wood. It’s a stinkin Easton! Holy smokes Batman! I flip it over and see that it says, “Replica provided by Lidstrom.” Vegas Schmegas we’re going to Hockey Town USA. Detroit ain’t bad but if ya want chicks ya gotta cross over to Windsor for the tang. Our journey was ahead of us. We had to find Cheevers’ original wood.
Hiko’s getting a chill now and whips it out to take a piss. It steams in the snow. A yellow drizzle of color and stench. I tell him that that’s a real work of art. Maybe his piss picture could predict our future. Maybe not – its all too unreal.
Dream jump again ……
We’re in a clinic or something and I tell Hiko that he looks healthy.
Jump again …….
Texas I think. But it’s cold. The North Pole’s shifted and the hell with global warming. Hiko say’s that he’s clean and doesn’t need drugs anymore. He can piss a good picture without them.
I shut my eyes and I space out a little bit. I see him exploding. I hear someone say “Peter …. He’s the cause of the explosion.” But no, it wasn’t Peter, it was Hiko folks.
Jump again ……..
Make the save, win the game. Am I reading Cheevers’ mind??????? Every time I hear that in my head I start thinking about cheerleaders afterwards. But nothing in my life has been real. Everything was a lie.
Oh crap. Its Skyler again. I’m begging him to give Hiko back his memory.
My gift? Yeah it’s in a bottle. I’m my own private freak show.
Make the save, win the game. That cheerleader again. Maybe the team needs cheerleaders. Yeah that’s it. Tight sweaters, hard bodies, short plaid skirts with colored panties underneath that said things on them. Like “Bite Me” or “U Guys Suck” so that when they bent over in front of the other team they’ let em have it.
What’s going on here? Mind melt or something.
So I, Jasper Wheats, can jump back and forth in time and space. Crazy. It’s just a dream. Its like Crosby and Howe skatin on the same line. I can handle this. Gotta just keep remembering walking with wood feels so good. Just gotta keep it down.
I got the power, you got the power, maybe he got the power too.
So it’s just me and Cheevers now. He’s telling me, “You, me, the video camera. Just keep the camera on me. I know you can keep a secret. I want you to see what I was. I want the team to know.” He skates out to the net and does a bit of stretches and scrapes to rough up the ice. I look out at the blue line and … Woe! … looks like all of the Outlaws lined up out in a semi-circle getting ready for the machine gun drill. I look back at Cheevers and he’s shy of all of his gear. What the f? He’s just in his long johns – no skates, no stick, no blocker – nothing! I’m thinking that all of his shit must all be back in the museum. I look back at Cheevers and he turns to face the net for a second then grabs something redish colored from the top of the net. Oh shit. It’s the cheerleader’s red plaid skirt. He turns back to the boys, dancing lightly on his feet cuz their startin to freeze, and tucks the teenie little skirt into the top of his long johns and with a shit eating grin he yells “Red Zone guys!” I swear that piece of red skirt that was hangin out of his long johns was smaller then his goalie cup if he’d had it on. Now I still had the camera running but I felt like I was missin it. A chance to bust a guy open and I ain’t holdin wood … just this camera. Whatttt??? So he yells again. “Not one at a time. Not alternating sides. But I want it all at once when I say three.”
He makes the count and its sounds like a barn coming apart from a northeast bound twister after he says “Three.” The camera’s getting this as I was focused on him. He must have been hit with at least ten or twelve of the shots. A couple hit the skirt. I figure it was Jingles that creased his skull – never could keep his shot down. That wasn’t just a dent, that was a crushed skull. He went down like a sack of bricks. Blood was flowing pretty good. Pretty much reminded me of Clint Eastwood in The Gauntlet.
The guys were mysteriously gone now as I ran out onto the ice with the camera still filming. Felt like an equipment manager sliding out to fix up a guy in a televised game but there was no one there to help me keep my balance. Cheevers is still down as I get there. No noise, no nothing – I figure he’s gotta be dead.
Then I hear a little moan as he’s laying there in a pool of congealing, freezing blood. There’s gotta be about seven gashes besides the crushed skull (Jingles … I’m thinking … you asshole). He moves a bit then grabs one of the pipes and starts to prop himself up. I’m thinking I better help him, but before I can put the camera down he pulls a Bruce Lee and pops up to standing. Before me (and the camera) he starts to mend. The gashes close up and his skull pops back out with a sound like a Coors can opening.
Oh shit. I’m shaking now. Wonder why I didn’t wake up at this point. Maybe I better visit a psych ward after I wake up.
Hico shows up again. Carrying his suitcase. Its got like two million bucks in it and he’s getting ready to hand it over to Lidstrom’s agent. He said it was his signing bonus that he had reneg’d on. The agent takes and says to both of us that the debt ain’t paid in full. We’d always owe Lidstrom. Gad what’s he want? Am I going to end up being a stick caddy or something for the rest of my life. He needs me I guess.
Dream jump again ……
It’s a honey. Maybe one of the cheerleaders. Can’t really tell at first. Ah yup. It’s the tall one. Nasty uh huh. But she’s got some split personality or something. I remember thinking that Nicks had said that she had hit on him pretty good one night and then when he was getting ready to go for the gusto she tells him that she ain’t that kind of girl. Talk about doing a flip-flop. So she’s been out on the ice doing some cheers and bending over showing her derogatory ass to the Rhino Room Wreckers. That jackass Matt jumps over the boards and goes at her. Slides her straight across the ice and slams her pouty little face into the glass in front of the penalty box where I’m still sitting serving my death penalty. Man it was ugly to have something that cute get all washed along the boards. But she was special. Had her kid with her that night. Man did he want to be a hero and play for the Outlaws when he got older. But it really hurt him to see his mom trashed like that.
So now its time to figure out who’s on the roster. How many heroes are there? If we could just gel then I’m sure we could make a difference. Maybe take league this year. Who knows. There’s gotta be more out there like us; that have what it takes to be an Outlaw. But each of us has so many problems that hold us back from being are best. Look at Hico. He showed up at home the other night and his old lady’s got a suitcase out. Said she got it out that morning to pack and then leave him but couldn’t put a damn thing in it. He nearly had a breakdown and had to explain some to her how he could read her mind and all. Some bulllshit that was when he tried to prove it to her by asking her to pick a number exclusive between one and three. But they stayed tight. Ya gotta stay tight with the things around ya or else ya bring it to your game. Staying tight with team says ya gotta stay tight with your life.
Maybe Madison Square Garden melts down. Maybe all of New York City blows up. Even Hico with all his damn piss paintings can’t paint the future. And Cheevers can’t see everybody if we don’t clear em out from in front of the net. He’ll need his stick back to move forward. We need his stick back. The first snow melt will bring an impossible change. We’ll have new friends from the internet to feel safe with as they laugh along and wonder: Does the earth shutter under my skates?
Make the save, win the game (damn there’s that cheerleader again – and I’m trying to be so serious).
Skate hard guys!
Walking with wood feels so good!
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Global Warming
Earlier this week I talked with my bro Bronzy who lives in SoCal. Lucky sucker, he and Jingles are still playing a couple of times a week and according to Jingles, Bronzy ain't doing too bad at it these days. I bring this up and he says "Well Jasper, I think we finally got in a league where we're playing against guys closer to our own age." I tell ya, I loved playing against the young pups and rubbing a little in their face, but after a while ya just can't stop 'em. Life catches up with ya. Gotta love hockey though and walking with wood feels so good.
So whats this shit about global warming? Ya got any idea? Ice caps melting and all its kinda scary. One week on the news I hear about some massive ice pack breaking off of Antartica that's the size of Russia (hey don't kid yourself Russia ain't that big anymore). And then I read that the permafrost under Northern Canada (now there's a BIG country) is shrinking by some ungodly proportion. The Tundra gone - no way Jose.
I mean, I s'pose this is reality, but what the f...? I could tell you stories. Hmmm. Let me think about this a bit.
Lets see. I'm hearing that the Dakotas and Minnesota have been having some really mild winters these last few years. Sorta been keeping track of that part of the states cuz I've lived in the area. I can remember some pretty damn cold winters back there.
Ever screw around in high school practice? Yeah, if ya get singled out then ya gotta stay after and flood. You younger whipper snappers probably never skated anywhere 'cept in an indoor rink. Ain't they nice?!?!
Well, Wayzata High School in '68 only had two outdoor rinks. Wooden boards and all. That damn afternoon that I got nailed and had to flood was 30 below. Ya had to change out of your gear and jump in some winter garb with pac's and all that shit and haul a motherf'ing inch and half diameter rubber hose out of the boiler room. First to the closest rink and put down some new ice then move onto the further rink and do the same thing. Course ya catch shit from the guys the next day cuz the ice is still shit. No Zambonies, just a bunch of team mates with shovels, scraping the ice after practice then "you screw up you flood". Colder then poop I'll tell ya.
But it seems as though that same year we had a bit of a thaw. Damn near all of the snow melted and I didn't hear a thing back then about "global warming". But what a bitch-ass thing that thaw did. The snow runoff filled every low spot around and refroze quicker then shit. We had ponds everywhere and I went walking with wood to skate on every one of them that I could find. New ice is great! Of course most of the new ponds I found had crap sticking up out of the ice and as I've mentioned in earlier writing that shit gets ya horizontal if your skate hits it.
At the end of our neighborhood was Gleason Lake. Not too deep and really crappy for fishin' - only held bullheads. At the widest, the lake is only about a half mile across and maybe two miles long. It narrowed in one spot where the railroad trestle was and had a little spit of land further on up the tracks where the trees had really gotten wacked from a tornado a couple of years earlier. You could get to the tracks from the backyards of any of the houses across the street. So I moseyed on over there and walked down the tracks to the trestle. (I've been back recently and the tracks are gone - just a bike path now.)
Beeauutifullll ! The whole lake was like a sheet of glass. I figured this was going to be great! The ice was at least eighteen to twenty inches thick which was due to the shallow depth of the lake and the ice was black as the night. I'd only skated on Gleason once before and that had been in a cleared out patch that was the roughest chunk of ice I'd ever skated on. Ice under snow did that - it kind of resembles porous lava rock. But this was something else today. This was tits!
I laced up and tossed the puck out on the ice and it slid forever as I skated out after it with my wooden stick in mittened hands. Just skate and skate and skate. Stick handle a bit. Shoot the puck somewhere - shit shoot it anywhere and chase it again. There was a bit of a breeze so if ya skated into it ya worked your butt off but with it behind ya - ya could sail. Made me think about a story that I had heard from the guys that a few years earlier some whiz had gone out on the snow covered lake with skis and a parachute. He got sliced in half on barbed wire at the south end of the lake after the wind had really got behind him. Nah - not gonna happen too me. I'm in control - I'm walking with wood!
This was the absolute greatest feeling. So much ice. Sooooo smooth. But I gotta tell ya I also had the biggest damn shot of scared-as-shit goose bumples out there too. Those of you that have done this know what I'm talking about. You're skating along and the ice cracks right between your skates. Nah your not in danger, but the noise that that fissure makes as your body weight causes the settling or shift or whatever the shit it is to happen - just liquifies your bowels. Its like a gunshot - where you didn't pull the trigger but maybe you were inside the barrel. It happened, I think, three times that day. You're never ready for it and its so cold and ya know how the sound carries on those crisp days.
Ya can't pass that up. Winter thaw - global warming - glaze ice out on the lake! I don't know.
Ok. So back to the science of this shit about global warming. I read in our local paper the other day here in wonderful Fairfield, CA that the "Cold Spell" that we've been having is of course unusual but not uncommon (what gobal warming???????). In the past, but still recent history, one of the goose ponds (Fairfield has got geese the same way as Rochester, MN so don't call them duck ponds. OK?) got frozen over several different times. Yeah, don't go skating on that shit - too thin here. Just the same ... frozen over. So what gives?
And snow in Texas. Heck one of the girls at work showed me pictures from this week taken at her brother's ranch in Del Rio (that's like right next-door to Mexico). The picture was of him and his kids out in one of the pastures and they had made a damn snowman. I mean, snow on the ground and enough to build a punk dude.
So what's with this global warming bullshit?
Here's my theory on all this. There ain't no such thing as global warming. The earth's just getting ready to tip on its axis. And the North Pole's going to end up somewhere south of Texas with the South Pole east of Madagascar somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Scientists say that its happened before - so why not again?
Ok enough already.
Skate hard, skate often, and continue walking with wood.
Hey if ya like this shit then let me know. Shoot me an email at hoduhn@sbcglobal.net.
Thanks guys.
So whats this shit about global warming? Ya got any idea? Ice caps melting and all its kinda scary. One week on the news I hear about some massive ice pack breaking off of Antartica that's the size of Russia (hey don't kid yourself Russia ain't that big anymore). And then I read that the permafrost under Northern Canada (now there's a BIG country) is shrinking by some ungodly proportion. The Tundra gone - no way Jose.
I mean, I s'pose this is reality, but what the f...? I could tell you stories. Hmmm. Let me think about this a bit.
Lets see. I'm hearing that the Dakotas and Minnesota have been having some really mild winters these last few years. Sorta been keeping track of that part of the states cuz I've lived in the area. I can remember some pretty damn cold winters back there.
Ever screw around in high school practice? Yeah, if ya get singled out then ya gotta stay after and flood. You younger whipper snappers probably never skated anywhere 'cept in an indoor rink. Ain't they nice?!?!
Well, Wayzata High School in '68 only had two outdoor rinks. Wooden boards and all. That damn afternoon that I got nailed and had to flood was 30 below. Ya had to change out of your gear and jump in some winter garb with pac's and all that shit and haul a motherf'ing inch and half diameter rubber hose out of the boiler room. First to the closest rink and put down some new ice then move onto the further rink and do the same thing. Course ya catch shit from the guys the next day cuz the ice is still shit. No Zambonies, just a bunch of team mates with shovels, scraping the ice after practice then "you screw up you flood". Colder then poop I'll tell ya.
But it seems as though that same year we had a bit of a thaw. Damn near all of the snow melted and I didn't hear a thing back then about "global warming". But what a bitch-ass thing that thaw did. The snow runoff filled every low spot around and refroze quicker then shit. We had ponds everywhere and I went walking with wood to skate on every one of them that I could find. New ice is great! Of course most of the new ponds I found had crap sticking up out of the ice and as I've mentioned in earlier writing that shit gets ya horizontal if your skate hits it.
At the end of our neighborhood was Gleason Lake. Not too deep and really crappy for fishin' - only held bullheads. At the widest, the lake is only about a half mile across and maybe two miles long. It narrowed in one spot where the railroad trestle was and had a little spit of land further on up the tracks where the trees had really gotten wacked from a tornado a couple of years earlier. You could get to the tracks from the backyards of any of the houses across the street. So I moseyed on over there and walked down the tracks to the trestle. (I've been back recently and the tracks are gone - just a bike path now.)
Beeauutifullll ! The whole lake was like a sheet of glass. I figured this was going to be great! The ice was at least eighteen to twenty inches thick which was due to the shallow depth of the lake and the ice was black as the night. I'd only skated on Gleason once before and that had been in a cleared out patch that was the roughest chunk of ice I'd ever skated on. Ice under snow did that - it kind of resembles porous lava rock. But this was something else today. This was tits!
I laced up and tossed the puck out on the ice and it slid forever as I skated out after it with my wooden stick in mittened hands. Just skate and skate and skate. Stick handle a bit. Shoot the puck somewhere - shit shoot it anywhere and chase it again. There was a bit of a breeze so if ya skated into it ya worked your butt off but with it behind ya - ya could sail. Made me think about a story that I had heard from the guys that a few years earlier some whiz had gone out on the snow covered lake with skis and a parachute. He got sliced in half on barbed wire at the south end of the lake after the wind had really got behind him. Nah - not gonna happen too me. I'm in control - I'm walking with wood!
This was the absolute greatest feeling. So much ice. Sooooo smooth. But I gotta tell ya I also had the biggest damn shot of scared-as-shit goose bumples out there too. Those of you that have done this know what I'm talking about. You're skating along and the ice cracks right between your skates. Nah your not in danger, but the noise that that fissure makes as your body weight causes the settling or shift or whatever the shit it is to happen - just liquifies your bowels. Its like a gunshot - where you didn't pull the trigger but maybe you were inside the barrel. It happened, I think, three times that day. You're never ready for it and its so cold and ya know how the sound carries on those crisp days.
Ya can't pass that up. Winter thaw - global warming - glaze ice out on the lake! I don't know.
Ok. So back to the science of this shit about global warming. I read in our local paper the other day here in wonderful Fairfield, CA that the "Cold Spell" that we've been having is of course unusual but not uncommon (what gobal warming???????). In the past, but still recent history, one of the goose ponds (Fairfield has got geese the same way as Rochester, MN so don't call them duck ponds. OK?) got frozen over several different times. Yeah, don't go skating on that shit - too thin here. Just the same ... frozen over. So what gives?
And snow in Texas. Heck one of the girls at work showed me pictures from this week taken at her brother's ranch in Del Rio (that's like right next-door to Mexico). The picture was of him and his kids out in one of the pastures and they had made a damn snowman. I mean, snow on the ground and enough to build a punk dude.
So what's with this global warming bullshit?
Here's my theory on all this. There ain't no such thing as global warming. The earth's just getting ready to tip on its axis. And the North Pole's going to end up somewhere south of Texas with the South Pole east of Madagascar somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Scientists say that its happened before - so why not again?
Ok enough already.
Skate hard, skate often, and continue walking with wood.
Hey if ya like this shit then let me know. Shoot me an email at hoduhn@sbcglobal.net.
Thanks guys.
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